Detective DeMille Lines Up An Expert Witness

Hello, Dr Lydia Allbright here.

I have been asked to testify as an expert witness at the upcoming trial of Pavla Nimkova. It is believed that my long-time studies into the psyche of the Balkan Beauty Queen will be of use in determing whether or not she is a criminal or a victim.

I have accepted the request, and have begun preparing my presentation.

I look forward to serving our community and the good people of the MetroArea.

Oh My Goodness

Tonight is being late. I am sitting on couch, enjoying Zima and favorite pill nightcap. Ismail is sitting on couch enjoying "special" cigarette with unusual smell.

It is being long time since I am having other friends visiting. But Imsail is loving me. He is saying all of the day that I am being his "gal".

I am loving being the "gal" of Ismail. Miss Albania is always being good friend and I am sure her brother is also being good friend. Or should I be saying "BOY friend?!!" Ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Oh. Maybe that is being too forward. Ismail is so often saying that I am being too forward.

I am not knowing what to think. I am thinking another Zima is good. Ismail is yelling from couch for more beer. I am getting beer. And Zima. And maybe just one more pill. What is harm in one more pill? And Zima?

Air Travel Is Such Fun

Good Evening Ladies and Gentlemen, and welcome aboard GypsAir Flight 18, with non-stop service to Cluj-Napoca. I'm Kandi, and I, Drew, Trisha and Sheridan will be making sure that your flight this evening will be super comfortable and super relaxing.

Our movie this evening is "Shrek II".

In a few moments we will be passing through the cabin with our award winning in-flight "GypSnack" service.

We will be also be offering exclusive Duty Free shopping opportunities. Gentleman, here's your chance to buy that special lady an 18oz bottle of Eau De Chevre at a truly remarkable price.

Now please, sit back, relax, and enjoy the remaining 8 hours of your flight.

This Is Becoming Tedious

Ana-Elena Devescu, just get on the plane.

I am growing tired of your pathetic attempts to avoid the summons. I am growing tired of your dawdling and procrastination. But most importantly, I am growing tired of that tatty outifit you bought at the close-out sale at TJMaxx.

Now that you have sold your Kia, you have no excuse.

Come to me, Ana-Elena Devescu.

Come, if you dare. You will never wield the Tambourine.

You have not the strength. Nor the wardrobe.

How do I know this?

I see all, I know all.

I am the Gypsy Queen.

So It's A Used Kia, So What?

I know what you're gonna say. I know. It's a used Kia. But y'know, Ana-Elena needed the cash. And I needed a car. It ain't easy gettin' to my job at Old Town Buffet on MetroBus. I gotta change at 5th and Main. If it wasn't for Ernesto's, I'd go crazy. Every night, on the way home, I get a quesadilla with guac on the side. Mr. Velazquez, he makes a great guac, y'know.

Anyways, now I got a car. And I can take a class at the School of the Gypsy Dance. I always wanted to learn to dance. Bein' a former Miss Slovakia don't pay no bills. Hell, I was born in MetroArea. But I had, y'know, like double citizenhood, 'cuz my Ma was born in Bratislava. So we was in Bratislava one summer, visitin' Gramma Anyeska, and I signed up for a Miss Slovakia contest. I won first prize. I won a tiara, a sash, and a photo shoot for Slovak!, the Magazine For Today's Former Soviet Gal.

Which class should I take? I'm thinkin' Dance of The Gypsy Bordello. Well, if can get the other gals at Old Town Buffet to sign up, y'know?

I Am Being In Love

Oh! It is being such a wonderful week! Am I daring to say it?

I think I am being in love!

Miss Albania's brother, Ismail, is becoming man of my dreaming.

The first date, he is arriving in very beautiful PT Cruiser with clever bumper sticker of "My Other Car Is A Mercedes". So humorous.

He is being such gentlemanly man. Holding open door, fastening seat belt, making sure strap is just so across my chest. He is not stopping with belt until it is being perfect across my chest. He is saying it is for my protection. Such gentleman!

After 15 minutes of chest strapping, we are finally being on way to fine dining establishment. It is so exciting for me!

I was not being sure I would know how to act in Outback Steakhouse, but all is turning out well. I am perhaps now thinking maybe two Midori Sours was giving him wrong impression. I am not being easy!

But he is again gentlemanly, and is leaving me at door with lovely kiss and eight bottles of my favorite pills.

Now he is being here every night. We are not going to fine dining establishment so much. I am finding I am not being so hungry. Just two or three pills and a Zima and I am fine for the evening. He is always enjoying his "special" cigarettes. A funny smell, but not unpleasant.

I am loving being in love!

A New Class Is Announced

Good Evening! There are many changes at the School of the Gypsy Dance. Ana-Elena Devescu has been called away on business, and her Tarot Readings have been until further notice cancelled. Those who have already paid will receive an in-store credit. If you are holding a gift certificate you may use it towards another one of our fine classes. We are also informed that we must no longer teach Dance of the Gypsy Curse. We wish to state that we had no idea that such dance would be used in any way criminal. Oh, also Dance of the Gypsy Pickpocket. We feel it best to cancel that one too. Instead we will add two new dance classes. The first will be Dance of the Gypsy Waitress. And we are most excited for our new class made especially for you single guys and gals: How Do You Voo-Do? We will give our bachelors and bachelorettes a lesson in the Togolese Voodoo Love Dance, taught by Elizabeth Nkwame. Elizabeth performs nightly at the Holiday Inn on Route 12 with her band, The Flaming Voodoo Batons. Ladies free on Wednesdays. Two for one Budweiser every night from 5-7pm. Thank you.

Freedom Has Its Price

Drat! I have received a call from Detective DeMille. It seems that they have found that I could not have been responsible for the captivity of Miss Bulgaria. Somehow they have found out about Elizabeth Nkwame, and she has verified my whereabouts on the night in question. And it appears that they know that my Kia had somewhat faulty brakes. And so I am cleared of all charges and free to go. Well, not exactly. I have been given a fine for "Illegal Trafficking In Rhinoceros Horn Within The MetroArea". Also a fine for "Aiding And Abetting The Use Of Dance As A Weapon".

May Pavla Nimkova rot in her cell! I regret intensely the day I agreed to teach her the Dance of the Gypsy Curse.

But now I have a bigger problem. Only one person could have given the MetroArea police that damning information. Only one person! And that person is that evil cow Ramona Ceauceascu, so-called Queen of the Gypsies. It is I, I who should be Queen. I am prettier, I have been Miss Romania Beauty Queen, which is much harder than Gypsy Queen, I am telling you, and I am much more accomplished on the tambourine. Ramona Ceauceascu uses the now outdated Varnatic method when she plays, while I employ the Parisian Flair Method. I think it is obvious which is superior.

But, she has sent me the Gypsy Summons. I must go to Cluj-Napoca. It is honor. It is family. It is pride.

It is $983 round trip.

Perhaps Miss Slovakia would like to buy the Kia.

It's Party Time At The MetroArea Correctional Facility

Woo hoo! Warden! Turn that radio up! Turn it up loud girl! God, I just love Jessica Simpson, y'know?

Hey! Pavla! Pavla Nimkova! I'm talking to you, sweet cheeks. Don't get all shy on me now!

C'mon Pavla! Do the dance! You know which one I mean! Up here, on the ironing board! That's it, baby. Shake it! Shake it for Mama, Pavla!

Ooooo, baby! You may call it a Curse, but I call it a Blessing!

Elizabeth Nkwame Reluctantly Provides An Alibi

Well, the police were just here. I tell you, that Detective DeMille is tough. I had to tell her everything. I know it is illegal, but I had no choice. Ana-Elena knows the truth about me. That is why I had to sell her the powdered rhinoceros horn, for the voodoo.

It is the rhinoceros horn that is illegal, you know. Not the voodoo, which is an ancient and mysterious religion practiced by generations of Africans and their descendants around the world, including here in your own New Orleans.

I credit the voodoo with my winning Miss Togo 2000. I did not practice the voodoo, but incorporated it into the talent portion of my competition. Yes, Togo will long remember Elizabeth Nkwame and Her Flaming Voodoo Batons!

Now, that is the name of my band. We play at the Holiday Inn on Route 12. That is where Ana-Elena Devescu found me the night that Miss Bulgaria was taken captive. We had just finished doing a cover of "Toxic" when I saw Ana-Elena in front of me. She asked me if I still had the voodoo. I looked around nervously, afraid of who might be sitting in one of the naugahyde booths. But there was only Old Joe and his brother Fat Steve from the trailer court around the bend, so I knew it was safe.

I told her yes, I still had the voodoo. We made the deal. I sold her the rhinoceros horn and she left.

I still do not know who could have seen us. That person would have to see all, have to know all.

Who has that kind of power?

MetroArea Vice Gets A Phone Call

Good afternoon! Thank you for calling MetroArea Vice, I'm Detective Destiny DeMille, how may I direct your call?

What,Operator? A collect call? From Romania? Why, I certainly will accept the charges!

Hello?.......Hello?......Yes, this is Detective DeMille, to whom am I speaking? What? Of course you can remain anonymous if you wish.

You have information on the Miss Bulgaria case? Please, go ahead!

I see....uh-huh...yes....of course....yes, yes, I see. Ana-Elena Devescu was where? At what time? Well, if that is true then it does change matters quite a bit. But, if you don't mind me asking, how do you know all this?

You do? Really, everything?

Who are you again?

Oh my. Well, good night, and thank you Your Majesty.

Mr. Velazquez Attempts Kindness, But I Am Not Accepting

I am being bored, so I am deciding to go for walk. I am trudging despondently down many MetroArea streets. Elm. Chestnut. Oak. Martin Luther King Blvd.

All the same.

Except Martin Luther King Blvd. Man is asking if I am buying crack, which I am not buying. Why would man think I am buying crack? Why would anyone be on Martin Luther King Blvd. at 12:14 am buying crack?

Actually, I am not being sure of what crack is.

I am missing Dr. Carson Gregory, who was having many fine suggestions for late night calming solutions. He often mentioned nightcap.

I will have nightcap of last of pills and Zima.

Tomorrow, I will be meeting pharmacist brother of Miss Albania. For possible dating only. Not for pills.

As I walk past Ernesto's, Mr. Velazquez calls out "Ay! Senorita Bulgaria! Perhaps rolled tacos? You like? You like?"

Oh! But I cannot like! How can I forget my face in tacos? With lovingly prepared guacamole from Mr. Velazquez coming out of my nose with violent sneezing for several days after?

Oh! It is being sad. Pavla Nimkova is ruining tater tots and tacos for me. What is next? Turnips?

Bundle Up, MetroArea!

Brrrr! It's gonna be a cold one!

Weather is heading your way! And tomorrow, the MetroArea just may be Walkin' In A Winter Wonderland...

I'm Brock O'Neill

Weather, Or Not!

Now I Am Being Bored

Not much is happening in the many last few days. I have received most cordial visits from Miss Albania. She will be bringing her brother on next visit. He is pharmacist, which is nice, because pill prescription is soon running out!

I will need pills, as I found out today I am being in court soon to face Pavla Nimkova. It will be a hard day for me.

On that fateful evening, when I am being held in tater tot broom closet from hell, I am hearing knocking on door, I am hearing Miss Albania requesting a lovely visit, I am hearing cruel Pavla Nimkova telling her I am not being home.

But I am being home! I am! And as I am lying on broom closet floor weeping, I feel under my cheek the asnwer: Dinner.

Yes, Pavla Nimkova is just feeding me my tater tots. And they are still frozen! They are like tiny rocks! Like tiny potato rocks! Quickly, I am jumping to my feet, and before Pavla Nimkova can shut door, I am pelting her with tater tots, which is distracting her from door, so that I can run out into the night.

Oh! Her shrieking! Her shrieking is being terrible to hear! It is Shriek of the Thwarted!

But I am managing to push past a very much surprised Miss Albania and I am being free! I am being free! Tears of joy are blinding my good eye!

Which is why I am not seeing Ana-Elena Devescu in her Kia.

Has It Really Been More Than A Week?

Wow. That doesn't seem right. I mean, my cell says it's December 6th. And it's 6 o'clock. I wonder if that's am or pm? I mean, it's like dark outside and everything.

Hmmmm.

God, after that awful Thanksgiving dinner at Paris' we all took off and just started partying. I know we went to Prada for awhile, like maybe Monday. And I bought some stuff, I think.

I know last weekend was the big blowout at Jessica and Ashlee's. Jessica is so back to normal. I was really worried about her for awhile. But the party was like, way cool.

Oh well. I'm going to call Paris. Maybe she knows if it's morning, or if it's, like, nighttime.

Quite An Enjoyable Week

Yes, the last week has been very enjoyable.

Oh, the panic in Ana-Elena Devescu's eyes! The fear! The terror! The frantic attempts to make phone calls long after her service has been disconnected for lack of payment.

How do I know this?

I see all, I know all.

I am the Gypsy Queen

Poor little Ana-Elena Devescu. She must answer her summons here soon or lose her last chance to someday wield the Tambourine. But sadly, MetroArea Detective Destiny DeMille does not care. She does not wish our dear Ana-Elena to leave for Cluj-Napoca, for fear she may never come back.

Suddenly, I feel generous. I will solve Ana-Elena Devescu's little problem. How, you ask?

I have my ways.

I am the Gypsy Queen

Dr Lydia Allbright

Hello Devoted Fans.

I am Dr. Lydia Allbright.

Dr. Carson Gregory has been called away on another project, and is unable to continue with his Trashwire duties. Fortunately, I am temporarily available.

For those of you who do not know me, I am a Sr. Professor of Psychology at Southern Homeschool Institute of Technology.

I have a BA in Gypsy Studies, and a Masters in Post-Feminist Psychology.

Some of you may have read my Doctoral Thesis "The Violin Plays On: Gypsy Beauty Queen Syndrome And Its Ramifications For Our Society Today."

I think my commentary and insight on our current situation should prove quite valuable.