Gallery Opening Terror, Part 2

So, I am enjoying Smoked Gouda. And tiny crackers. They are being round. Miss Albania is calling them "water crackers", but I must be assuming it is her very poor command of English that is making her call them that, since it is being obvious that they are not being made of water.

Miss Samoa is having a most animated conversation with Miss Slovakia. Elizabeth Nkwame is looking most unsettled. She is mumbling to herself, and drinking many wine spritzers.

Suddenly, all lights are being turned off, except lights on ill-constructed stage at far end of room. I am thinking to myself, "Oh, good, perhaps this is being performance art." I am much admiring performance art. I am once seeing performance art in which woman placed chicken on her head and danced like a duck. Oh, so ironic! A commentary on our complicated times, to be sure!

Now, slowly, on ill-constructed stage at far end of room, we are seeing mysterious figure. She is wearing many veils, and a mask. She has many bracelets on arms, and a very mysterious bracelet on ankle. This mysterious bracelet on ankle has tiny flashing light, and is making a frequent beep. So odd, that bracelet on ankle.

Mysterious figure is walking across ill-constructed stage at far end of room. With flick of cruel finger she is starting tiny boom box.

I am having a memory. I am thinking this is being familiar. But I cannot remember.

There is music coming from tiny boom box. What type of music? Gypsy music!

And now, mysterious figure with bracelet on ankle begins to dance. But wait! I am recognizing dance! Oh no, it cannot be so! Oh no!

I am falling to floor, covering eyes with hands, for suddenly I am knowing the dance! We are not being at gallery opening at all! We are watching a dance!

And what dance? Oh, what dance?

I will tell you!

It is the Dance of Gypsy Vengeance!

Oh yes, the mysterious figure is beginning to twirl in the special vengeful manner of the Gypsies.

Many in the room are now weeping! Many have fallen to the floor! Ana-Elena Devescu is tearing at her hair and shrieking! Miss Albania is being unable to move, so frightened is she.

And the dance is going on! It is going on!

Suddenly, the mysterious dancer begins to dance towards me. I do not know what to be doing. Who is she? Who is this madwoman who would call down upon us the most horrible of Gypsy Dances. Who would dare to unleash this dark forces?

She is removing her mask.

Pavla Nimkova. Yes! Pavla Nimkova is inviting us all here to dance for us the Dance of Gypsy Vengeance! She is wanting Vengeance! Vengeance for Pavla!

She is dancing vengeful dance towards me. I am lying on floor, terrified for life, when suddenly I am hearing "OK, I have had just about enough of this shit"

I am lifting my head just in time to see Miss Samoa pushing Pavla Nimkova down.

"I do not have time for all of this Gypsy crap. I have a job. I have a kid to raise. I didn't get shit for being Miss Samoa, and I am not going to let some Stevie Nicks wannabe push me around. I am putting you out Pavla. Good Night!"

And with that, Miss Samoa is grabbing the bracelet of ankle of Pavla Nimkova. She is dragging Pavla Nimkova to doorway, and with heave of mighty Samoan hand, she is tossing Pavla Nimkova onto lawn.

Suddenly, there are being many sirens and alarms and much squealing of tires. Pavla Nimkova is making dash for house, but policeman with taser is getting her first. Pavla Nimkova is being down!

I am running so very quicky down to Ernesto's #2. I am ordering three rolled tacos with guacamole. They are not being as lovely as the ones Mr. Velazquez is making, but I am not caring.

Quickly, I am running back to 1515 W. Liberty.

There, Pavla Nimkova is twitching in grass. I am being worried about her. Perhaps twitching face in grass is not being comfortable?

I am walking up to Pavla Nimkova, where she is twitching.

I am kneeling down beside her. She is looking at me with pleading look, begging for help.

Tenderly, I am lifting her twitching head. Lovingly, I am laying three rolled tacos down. Gently, I am placing the face of Pavla Nimkova in tacos.

Pavla Nimkova is continuing to twitch in most horrible fashion. But I am at least feeling confident I am making her most comfortable.

Pavla Nimkova is looking up at me, she is drooling, her eyes are not focusing. And the right side of her face is being covered in guacamole.

I am bending down, and I am whispering in the ear that is not being filled with guacamole. "Oh Pavla", I am saying,

"Who has face in tacos now?"

Gallery Opening Terror, Part 1

I am being most shaken and upset. Tonight is being Gallery Opening. I am being invited as Important Citizen of MetroArea. I am calling cab from home. Ismail is perhaps still at the store. It has been many weeks, but I am being sure that he will return from errand soon. I am calling cab from home, did I say that already? So cab is arriving, and I am giving address of 1515 W. Liberty. Mr. Cab Driver is not believing there is Gallery Opening, but I am forcefully telling him otherwisely. He is driving down to 1515 W. Liberty. On corner of Liberty and Magnolia I am seeing something amazing! I am seeing Ernesto's Tacos #2! How lucky is MetroArea being to have two Ernestos? Ernestos #1 and Ernesto's #2. Such luckiness.

I am leaving cab. I am being uncertain about amount of tip. Fare is $5.60. I am thinking in Bulgaria 40 cents would make very nice tip.

My sister Plashka once bought an eight-piece dinnerware set at Varna-Mart for 40 cents. But I am a realistic and practical gal, and I am realizing that Mr. Cab Driver may not be able to buy something nice for himself for 40 cents. So I am leaving $6.25, beacause I am feeling extravagant. He is not being as grateful as I am hoping.

So, I am entering 1515 W. Liberty. It is not looking like Gallery, more like walk-up flat with homeless people on curb. But I know that trendy hip artists like such things, so I am not being much dismayed.

But inside, oh, inside, I am finding much that is making me happy! I am finding Ana-Elena Devescu, and Miss Albania, and Elizabeth Nkwame, and Miss Slovakia, who is pounding me on the back so forcefully that I am afraid of damage. Oh, and even more happy. Miss Samoa! Oh, Miss Samoa who as her talent did famous Warrior Women of Samoa Dance of Fire and Many Feather-Shakings. So unique! So different!

And so we were all being mingling in much chatter and happiness, waiting for Gallery Opening to start. I was eating a new cheese, it is being called "Smoked Gouda". Much better than sheep cheese. Although in all fairness I must say that once Baba Anyeska is smoking a sheep cheese. One day, she is leaving sheep cheese next to her pipe, which is setting her shawl on fire, and soon sheep cheese is covered in flames and burning shawl.

My cousin, Todor, thought perhaps that Bulgarian Smoked-Shawl Sheep Cheese might be finding a foreign market. Sadly, as always, Todor was not being correct. To this day he is being bitter, and still is trying to smoke sheep cheese. This week is tablecloth. I think he is not learning.

Miss Samoa Is Surprised To Be Included

Wow. Figure the odds. Some of them uppity broads from the Pageant actually invited me to one of their little events. It's been, what, six years? No phone calls, no emails, no letters, no flowers, no UPS packages with a delightful little gift, not too expensive, but thoughtfully chosen and artistically presented?

No.

Do I go to their little event? Damn straight.

Miss Samoa is on the town and taking no prisoners.

Elizabeth Nkwame Is Not So Sure

I don't know. My voodoo instincts tell me something may happen. Look at the address, 1515 W. Liberty. I have never heard of any galleries in that neighborhood. Oh, it is plausible that a group of rebellious, yet sensitive, young artists have decided to be urban pioneers and are turning W. Liberty into the next SoHo. Or not. I remain unconvinced. But I think I will attend.

Miss Slovakia Will Attend

Y'know, I don't really have much else t'do. I mean, a gallery openin', c'mon. Do I look like that kinda gal? All artsy-fartsy? But, hey, like I said, I got nothin' else t'do that night, and that Ana-Elena is always so wound up that it's a lotta fun watching her spin like a top. Yeah, I'll go. What else have I got t'do?

Update Madness!

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