Thursday, January 11, 2007

LaToya's got a gun

Ok, you know how I said The Surreal Life Fame Games was the greatest celebreality show on TV? Well that was before I saw the premiere episode of Armed and Famous on CBS. The race for the most outrageous celebrity reality challenge is heating up with this new contender.

In the first episode, the cast arrived in Muncie, Indiana to being their training in hopes of becoming official police officers. First to appear was Erik Estrada, then LaToya Jackson, followed by Jack Osbourne, Trish Stratus and Jason Acuna. They began their journey with a briefing by Sgt. Rick Eber, who informed them that their celebrity status meant nothing in the mean streets of Muncie.

Next up, the gang got an overview on safety and learned about dangerous scenarios by doing mock traffic stops. Each cast member was outfitted with a fake gun and told to pull over an officer pretending to be a suspect. Estrada took the job a bit too seriously and started barking at the man like he was a wanted murderer when the scenario was only for a routine traffic ticket. Osbourne excelled at the task by staying on his toes and jumping into action when the fake perp pulled a gun. Jackson wasn’t so sharp and she panicked and emptied a clip into the man as he was attempting to comply with her orders. This lead the training officers to proclaim, “Jackson shot an unarmed man!” and caused me to laugh for 20 minutes.

It only got better after the commercial break when the celebrities were learning to use their tasers. Apparently the rule in Indiana is that you can only posses a taser is you have been tased yourself. In what seemed like some awful frat initiation, each celebrity lined up to be tased by an officer of the Muncie police department. They were given the option of being shocked with clip on wires or being shot with the little metal spikes that the police normally use. Osbourne was up first and he opted for the less painful clips. Even with the clips, the shock was strong enough to knock him on his knees for a while. One by one the rest of the crew got ready to take their tasing. Soon, Jackson stepped up for her turn.

At this point, I nearly lost it. I was laughing so hard already that I almost blew a funny fuse, but the idea of seeing LaToya Jackson getting tased on national TV was more than I could handle. I had to pause it for a minute and regain my composure before I could actually watch the scene.

She got ready and they fired up the taser. She screamed like Michael in the “Smooth Criminal” video and then collapsed to the floor. Being the crazy lady that she is, she then turned it into a big production, complete with shortness of breath and strained speech. Everyone stopped for a moment to ask her if she was alright. Of course, she was fine and they moved on the the next celeb.

While all the other celebrities opted for the clips, Trish Stratus proved that she’s a tough cookie and opted to be shot with the little metal spikes. She lined up and they shot her, sending her to her knees as well. She quickly recovered and was back on her feet and smiling seconds later, making all the guys in the group feel like total pussies.

After recovering, the recruits were ready to move on to the next lesson, but not before LaToya decided to make a phone call to her brother Jackie. I can only imagine the look on Jackie’s face when he picked up the phone to hear, “Hi! I’m in Muncie, Indiana and I’m training to be a cop!” LaToya looked around confused as there was a long pause from the other end. Jackie proceeded to ask her why she was doing this and whether their parents knew about it. She explained her motivations and begged him not to tell their mother about it. All this was coming from a 50 year old woman, mind you. I can only hope that every episode gives us little glimpses like this into the kookiness that is the Jackson family.

Later on the celebs learned to use real weapons. Osbourne again lead the class with his marksmanship and Jackson was again in the bottom. At one point, she emptied an entire clip at the cut-out target and her instructor remarked that, “There’s eleven bullets that aren’t even on this target.”

The show was so filled with priceless moments that it’s impossible to even capture it all in this blog. Just know that I had to immediately watch it again after it ended because I just couldn’t believe my eyes. This might be one of the most outrageous and amazing things to ever air on television. I can only pray that every episode is as awesome as the first one.

If I had to pick one little clip that could sum up the episode I’d pick this one:
During training for hand-to-hand combat, Jackson was paired up with Osbourne for a scenario using pressure points on the neck. She grabbed his neck with one hand and applied the pressure to the side of his neck with her other hand. He flailed around and then grabbed his neck in pain before saying in terror, “LaToya is scaring the hell out of me!” That just goes to show you how terrifying the Jackson clan is; they scare the hell out of Jack Osbourne, son of the Prince of Darkness.

If you are a fan of trashy reality shows, you simply cannot miss Armed and Famous. You can find out more about the show at cbs.com/primetime/armed_and_famous and check out episodes and extras on CBS’s Innertube Player.

D-List Olympics

Every now and then, a show comes along that is so spectacularly horrifying that it becomes an instant trash tv classic. The Surreal Life Fame Games is that show.

It takes a lot to be the biggest douche in the Surreal Life universe, but Jordan Knight took the title in the first episode. Not only did he spend the entire time he was in the house bitching and moaning about every single thing, but then he got a call saying his grandma died and he cried and left. That is legitimately sad and I feel sorry for him in that respect, but he’s like the boy who cried wolf. He cries and bitches about so much that when something really tragic does happen, you can’t destinguish whether it’s more important than the last trivial thing he was crying about. Frankly, it’s for the best because he’s a whiney little bitch and it’s great to see him out of the house. He was later replaced by Verne “pee in a corner” Troyer.

The first competition involved our favorite has-beens going head to head with each other in a battle over fan adoration. They were lined up in front of a bunch of random people off the street and the people were given a chance to take a picture with the celeb of their choice. Whoever got the most pictures won a prize and immunity and the three with the fewest pictures were sent to another competition. Rob “Vanilla Ice” Van Winkle killed the competition getting almost twice as many pictures as anyone else. If there was ever proof in his mind that doing The Surreal Life put him back on the map, this was it. Older people were asking for pictures with him because they remember him from back in the day, young girls wanted his picture because he’s hot, and others wanted his picture because he’s legendary. Without Rob, there would be no Eminem and no Kevin Federline. The fewest pictures went to Andrea Lowell (a Playboy chick no one’s ever heard of), Chyna Doll, and Troyer.

They were forced to compete in the second round of the elimination challenge, a game show type competition about celebrity gift bags. Chyna Doll and Troyer were eliminated in that round and sent off to the B-List section of the house. Now they’ll go head to head to see who is sent packing from the manison and kicked off the show.

I might have to watch this a zillion times and record it on a DVD because it’s like a dream come true. It’s as if we at Trashwire asked Santa for the ultimate d-list celebreality explosion and then it showed up under the tree on Christmas morning. If watching real people humiliate themselves on tv is good, then watching celebrities do it is excellent.

Accept no imitations, The Surreal Life Fame Games is the greatest celebreality show on tv. Be sure to tune in every Sunday and see who gets eliminated. You know we’ll be glued to the tv.

Janice Dickinson Returns

Tonight marked the kick-off of another season of The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency on Oxygen. After what seemed like seven hours of recap, the show began in much the same way as it had in the first season, with Janice holding open calls and looking for models. The only person of note that showed up was JP from the most recent season of Survivor. Apparently he’s interested in becoming a model and he stripped down to his little underwear and struck a few poses for the cameras.

Aside from that, there really isn’t really anything new about the new season of the show. Janice berated the model hopefuls, just like last time, and bickered with her business partner, just like last time. She also went into detail about the difference between commercial models and high fashion models, just like last time. The whole thing felt a bit like a flashback.

Later on, a few of Janice’s models walked in a fashion show for designer Alan Del Rosario during LA’s fashion week. The folks at the agency were stunned and horrified when one of the models failed to show up at the show, but they were pleasantly surprised when Nyabel, a model from Sudan, rocked the house and exceeded everyone’s expectations.

Janice is still delightfully dramatic and the show provides a fun alternative to the Tyra-centric America’s Next Top Model, but the format is still too similar to the last season. They’ve done nothing to raise the stakes for the new run of episodes. Anyone who missed the first season of the show should enjoy this new season because it’ll catch you up on the entire Janice Dickinson saga thus far. It’s still definitely worth watching-where else are you going to see Janice trying to out shout an irate model during an open call?-but you won’t be crushed if you miss a few episodes.

Find out more about the show at oxygen.com/janice.

Sunday, January 07, 2007

TrashwireTV Blog

For anyone who hasn't checked out the brand new TrashwireTV blog, head on over to trashwire.tv/blog to check it out. I've been updating it like crazy lately with information and reviews of all the latest and greatest trashy reality shows. I'd love to hear your feedback about it.

Friday, January 05, 2007

The Future of Trashwire.com

First of all, happy new year!

We're planning some really big stuff for 2007, so be sure to stay tuned for updates and announcements.

The first big project we're in the process of solidifying is the launch of TrashwireTV. TrashwireTV is the new show we are developing for Denver Open Media. It will combine sketches, news, movie reviews and much more. We'll also be launching a new site for the show, which will feature episodes, behind-the-scenes info, and extras. It will also feature a blog about the episodes and about our favorite trashy TV shows. The new site is up, so feel free to browse. You can access it at http://trashwire.tv and you can view the blog at http://trashwire.tv/blog.

Next, we are looking to expand Trashwire and add some new writers. If you're interested in becoming a writer for Trashwire, please use the contact form to send us an email. We're looking for fun people with a good sense of humor who love writing about all aspects of pop culture. We would really like to add a web video section, so we're also looking for people who make web videos too. If you're a creative person and you want a place to publish your work, send us an email.

We'd love to hear your feedback on the new updates as they arrive. Send us your comments on the contact page or friend us on MySpace.

With your help, we can make 2007 the year of Trashwire.com!

Beyond Jumping the Shark

Those of you who could actually get through an episode of Flavor of Love without puking will be pleased to hear that everyone's favorite Head-Bitch-In-Charge is back with her very own reality dating show. That's right, New York (real name Tiffany Patterson), the psychotic diva from both seasons one and two of Flavor of Love is back on VH1 and looking for love once again. Her new series, I Love New York, puts her in a house with 20 single guys who compete for her affection.

I have to say, you'd think that being totally rejected by Flavor Flav twice on national TV would be enough to make a person realize how repulsive they really were, but apparently New York didn't get that memo. Instead, she and her freakish mother (who, I'm convinced, is actually a man) will go through the whole trashy charade again. Yes, trash fans, even her horrible mother will be back this season. Make sure you keep your vomit buckets ready. New York's self-absorbed chatter and psychotic diva rants will surely make our list of trash TV highlights this year.

Still, I think the real fascinating question here is this... just how many times can VH1 spin off a show? If you recall, the entire Flavor Flav dating show phenomenon started way back in 2004 with The Surreal Life. That show lead to the unholy union of Flavor Flav and Brigitte Nielson. Later, their relationship spawned Strange Love, a reality-romance series about Flav's attempts to woo Nielson. As if that wasn't enough, when Flav and Brigitte split, VH1 introduced a new show, the original Flavor of Love. After the first season of that show yielded no long-term love interest for Flav, VH1 decided to bring it back again in another quest to find Flav a woman. All this might leave you wondering just why VH1 has taken such an interest in the love life of the self-proclaimed "World's Greatest Hype Man". Now VH1 has once again introduced a spin off in the Flavor Flav love saga, bringing us the latest reality abortion, I Love New York.

Seriously, VH1, why are you doing this?! This goes so far over the line of jumping the shark that I think a new term needs to be coined for this scheme of running a concept so far into the ground. Clearly, this network does not know when it's time to let an idea die. All this is made even more hilarious by the fact that infamous "clock ceremony" line from Flavor of Love was "you know what time it is." Please, VH1, just let this whole Flavor Flav thing go and come up with something else. You know it's gotten pretty bad because this is coming from Trashwire.com. We have very strong stomachs for trashy TV, but this is testing even our tolerance. Keeping the cameras rolling as a girl took a shit on the carpet during the second season of Flavor of Love was one thing, but now we're so desparate for crap reality that we need to create and entire series where we find a man for someone who isn't even famous enough to qualify as a d-lister?! When will it end?!

It's so horrible that we just can't resist it and we'll be there watching on January 8th a 9PM EST when I Love New York premieres on VH1.

Click HERE for more information about the show and to watch episodes and extras from VSpot on VH1.com.

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Starting '07 off with a bang...

2007 is sure to be a major year for the trash reality show. The old favorites are going to be back and there are going to be some new ones that look very promising. There are two that start in the next few weeks that I'm super excited for...

The first is The Surreal Life Fame Games. This will, no doubt, be awesome because it's basically Surreal Life All-Stars, except no one on that show is really an all-star. Some of your favorite d-listers are back including Vanilla Ice. The previews alone are amazing and there is sure to be some crazy stuff going down. Apparently the cast must compete to see who is more famous and the person who is least famous every week gets voted off.

Next is a new show, Armed and Famous. This show takes celebrities like Jack Osbourne and LaToya Jackson and turns them into law enforcement officers in a small town. They get guns and badges and they go around arresting people. This is amazing because it combines The Surreal Life and Cops, two trash TV classics.

Those are my two big picks so far, but I'm sure as 2007 rolls on I'll have a lot more shows to look out for. Stay tuned to Trashwire.