I Am So Being Honored!

Today is very happy day! I am sitting in flat, waiting for Ismail. He is being gone several days, out on errand. It is not so hard waiting, for before leaving he is filling refrigerator with Zima for me. And he is leaving me my favorite pills. Enough for one month! Well, to be truthful only two weeks. The bottle is saying one month, but I am receiving bottle two weeks ago and only 3 little pills are being left. So label is being lie. This is being typical. It is all being lies. Everything is being lies! Everyone is being liar pants! Liars, liars, pants are being on fires!

Oh! I must be calming myself. I am taking deep breath. In-breathing, out-breathing, in-breathing, out-breathing.

Before I am forgetting, I must tell why it is being happy day.

I am receiving invitation to Gallery Opening! With nice note, written most elegantly, saying I am "distinguished Citizen of MetroArea".

I am not knowing of Gallery at 1515 W. Liberty, but of course I am going! I am being distinguished!

This is reminding me of my Uncle Todor. He is spending many years working in Left-Hand Mitten Factory #12, in Varna. One day he is drinking BulgLight with worker from Right-Hand Mitten Factory #16, when he is having idea! He is thinking maybe that it is being easier to combine Left-Hand Mitten Factory #12 with Right-Hand Mitten Factory #16, and to be forming Both-Hand Mitten Factory #28. He is being so excited with idea, he is talking to People's BulgoMitt Commitee.

Sadly, I am not knowing what is happening to Uncle Todor. After presenting idea, he is being transferred. But I am sure his Big Idea is making him rich and famous!

So, taking cue from Uncle Todor, I am happily attending Gallery Opening!

What is a girl to be losing?

Miss Albania Is Honored

I was so pleased and honored today. Arriving home, I found an invitation to a Gallery Opening at 1515 W. Liberty in my mail. I am so happy that The School of Gyspsy Dance is being recognized for its many contributions to MetroArea. And now that Ana-Elena Devescu is back, I anticipate that we will take our School to its next level.

The Gypso-American Community has been blessed this year. I hope we can all put the unfortunate events concerning Gypsy Servings, Gypsy Curses, and Gypsy Summons behind us.

Thanks MetroArea. Thank you.

I Am Back

Yes. I am back. Back from Cluj-Napoca. Back from the tedious annoyance of the Gypsy Court. Oh, you want to know the result of my Gypsy Summons?

Well, I will tell you. The joke was on me. I will admit it. I have no choice. I know that it will all become public anyway.

There was no summons. There was no controversy.

I am never to be Queen.

It seems it was determined long ago that I was never to be Gypsy Queen. The Tambourine had already been promised to Vlasta Crk, Princess Royale of the Slovak Gypsy Court. Oh, yes.

This was my punishment, to be forced to Cluj-Napoca against my will and to be obliged to stay with my nagging mother and my half-wit sister Ana-Sofia and her leering husband Gheorghe, the meat-grinder.

But, thankfully, I am back in MetroArea amongst civilized people. It was not pleasant to return to an apartment without electricity or a phone, but that has been dealt with. Miss Allbania has kept the School of Gyspsy Dance running smoothly. I do not alway agree with her artistic choices, but I am a practical sort. I am a survivor.

On a positive note, it was nice to find an invitation to a Gallery Opening in my mail today. The lovely note mentioned that only the very best of MetroArea's citizens were invited. I think it will make a nice way to mark my return.

I am not familiar with the address, 1515 W. Liberty, but I am sure I can find it.

Pavla Nimkova Finds Many Things Have Changed In Her Absence

So. Tonight I called the School of Gypsy Dance, expecting to speak to that traitor, that sad little Former Miss Romania, that pathetic excuse for a Gypsy Queen-to-be, Ana-Elena Devescu, when the phone is answered by Miss Albania. She informed me in that fake sweet way of hers that Ana-Elena had returned from Cluj-Napoca but was not available. "Would you like her voice mail?", she asked.

Her voice mail?! Her voice mail?!

Oh, I would like her voice mail, her throat, and her head in a jar at the MetroArea Science Museum!

Wait. I must take a deep breath. Breathe in, breathe out! Breathe in, breathe out!

I am calm now. I learned to control my anger in the MetroArea Correctional Facility. I learned to be at peace with the world. I learned how to overpower a prison guard with a bucket of warm, soapy water.

There is much I would like to do. But I cannot leave my apartment at 1515 W. Liberty. I have a special ankle bracelet. Well, I can go as far as the lobby. Much beyond that there is only a brief sprint, an alarm, some police, and a taser. The same for the laundry room door. And the fire escape. And the large cardboard box picked up by UPS in my apartment last Thursday.

As I have often said, all of this has made me stronger. So I have devised a new plan. If I cannot go to them they will come to me.

Yes, they will come to me.

Trashwire Updates

Trashwire.com was just updated with new content.

LaTaviya weighs in on choosing between YouTube and iFilm for all your internet video needs.

Dicky Cockerson's Spider Man 2 review is also back, and he has promised us a new review very soon.

So head on over to Trashwire to read all the new stuff.

Another Friday Night in MetroArea

Tonight is very special. Ismail is being so gentle and kindly. He is leaving couch for many hours. He is buying me unexpectantly many small presents of Zima. It is nice that he is thinking of me. I am having nervous condition. And Ismail was pharmacist in Albania, but after coming to America is no longer being pharmacist officially. But he is still being pharmacist. But not officially.

I am thinking it best if I am not thinking about this.

Oh! My Zima is almost empty. Perhaps another? It is Friday, as you are knowing. Time for all party gals to let their hairs down and "shake it".

I would like to "shake it", but Ismail is so being jealous. He is so being afraid that I am "shaking it" for the other hot stuffs. Ismail is not hot stuff.

Now I am thinking that rolled tacos might be nice. It has been many days since I have been seeing rolled tacos without screaming. Maybe tonight I will not be screaming about face in tacos. Maybe. I am being wistful but determined.

I am waiting in my flat, thinking Ismail may return at any moment, when I see on E! a most cruel mockery of Miss Lindsay Lohan. It is seeming that many are skeptical of teacup story. Of how Miss Lindsay Lohan fell down stairs, wet from bath, with lotion applied most soothingly over wetness. And was impaled on teacup shard, while tumbling down staircase, with wetness and lotion.

I am not being skeptical of teacup story, for similar event is happening to me, Miss Bulgaria.

One day I am stepping out of bathing tub. I am being covered with soothing lotion, because I am applying such lotion in bathing tub. Yes! Is custom in Varna to be applying lotion while still being in bathing tub.

It is being tradition.

By strange chance I am holding Zima. Well, in truthfulness is not Zima. We are not having Zima in Bulgaria. It was perhaps BulgLight Beer. Yes, it is most exactly BulgLight. I am remembering now, because it is being "less filling". And yet is still having great taste. I am remembering being puzzled by seeming paradox of BulgLight being less filling and yet still having great taste. In fact, it was being because of my trying to settle seeming conflict in my mind that I am not paying attention, and am suddenly finding myself at bottom of stairs.

BulgLight is shattered, elbow is pierced. Eerie similarity, no?

Are you seeing? It is not being odd to be falling downstairs with lotion, wetness, and beverage of choice.

Miss Lindsay Lohan is falling down stairs and is being pierced by teacup shard. It is being all too familiar to me.

Oh! My Zima is empty! Ismail?! Ismail?!

Ana-Elena Devescu Is On Her Way Back

Good Evening Ladies and Gentlemen, and welcome aboard GypsAir Flight 17, with non-stop service to the MetroArea. I'm Cindi , and I, Blayne, K'Teesha and Hamilton will be making sure that your flight this evening will be super comfortable and super relaxing.

Our movie this evening is "American Pie IV: Band Camp".

In a few moments we will be passing through the cabin with our award winning in-flight "GypSnack" service.

We will be also be offering exclusive Duty Free shopping opportunities. Gentleman, here's your chance to buy that special lady an 18oz bottle of Eau De Chevre at a truly remarkable price.

Now please, sit back, relax, and enjoy the remaining 8 hours of your flight.

Pavla Nimkova's Lawyer Is Blunt With Her

So. My lawyer came by today and informed me that I have no chance of winning. They have an expert witness, a Dr. Lydia Albright. They have the tiresome but efficient Detective DestinyDeMille. And, most depressingly, Ana-Elena Devescu is on her way back from Romania, and is prepared to testify against me as well.

My choice was clear: accept a plea bargain, or spend the next 5 years dancing on the MetroArea Correctional Facility's Cafeteria Tables for Robin Lancaster. As well as perform other duties for her which I will not mention.

I chose the plea bargain. I will be released tomorrow. I will be under house arrest and wear a special anklet that will alert the police if I stray too far from my home. I take comfort in the fact that Martha Stewart has also been subjected to such an indignity. But did it crush her? No! It made her stronger.

And it will make me stronger as well.

I have a message for Miss Bulgaria. I have learned many things in prison. I have learned that I must control my anger, I have learned that I must pay back my debt to society, and I have learned how to hide a pack of cigarettes upon my person in such a way that not even the most invasive strip search will find them.

But most importantly, I have learned a new dance.

The Dance of Gypsy Vengeance.

Miss Britney Spears Is Not Being Fat!

Tonight I am watching my favorite MetroArea television program. It is being called "Pop Rocks". Is so funny this title. Like famous candy. But do not be eating these famous candies with Coke. I am hearing from my cousin Pavel that he is having friend in Varna who is having exploding stomach with PopRocks and Coke. Well, not exactly PopRocks and Coke. It was truthfully PopRocks and BulgaKola. PopRocks were purchased in black market in Varna. BulgaKola was purchased in BulgMart. Where everyday is savings. But most importantly, stomach is exploding. A tale of caution.

So I am watching tonight PopRocks and I am being so happy. My favorite singer, Miss Britney Spears, is being interviewed. I am so thinking she is beautiful. And so talented. I am loving "Toxic". Miss Togo is often singing cover of "Toxic" at Holiday Inn. I am loving that too. Although not so much as original. Miss Togo has version that is derivative without reflecting tension between stewardess and fat passenger who becomes hot stuff. But still, Miss Togo has best "Toxic" cover in MetroArea.

So I am watching PopRocks with enjoyable Zima while Ismail snores on couch beside. He is not liking Miss Britney Spears so much. I am so wanting to hear about happy life of famous PopTart.

And so is with dismay I am hearing horrifying tale of terrible K-Fed! He is making piggy noises at Miss Britney Spears as she is trying to eat! Why would K-Fed be making piggy noises? I am being so sad at thought of Miss Britney Spears, with spoonfull of LeanCuisine halfway to lips while Mr. K-Fed is making all the time the "oink, oink, oink". Although I am always finding "oink" to be a strange word. In Bulgaria pigs are saying "gronk, gronk, gronk". More respectable for pigs to be saying "gronk". And yet my amusement at "oink" sound is balanced by sadness at thought of Miss Britney Spears, forced to eat LeanCuisine Basil Chicken and Orzo Pasta With Side Of Roasted Rosemary Potatoes, all the while listening to horrible oink-oink K-Fed noises.

And who is he being? Who is he being, Mr. K-Fed, who so laughingly oinks at Miss Britney Spears and is mocking her rubbing thighs noise? His thighs are not rubbing! He is not having to be nibbling celery stalk while being mocked by oinking noise.

No. He is being too busy. He is being busy with new song. Oh! What is new song being called? I am thinking it is being called.....

"PooPoo Cow!"

Take that Mr. Britney Spears!

Now who has face in tacos?