America's Next Top Boring Reality Contestants

America’s Next Top Model premiered tonight on The CW. As a fan of reality TV, I just had to watch. I normally only watch Top Model when it airs in marathon blocks on VH1, but I’ve become so addicted to all the anorexic catfighting that I had to watch from the very beginning this time.

The show began, as usual, in the most Tyra-centric way with Tyra Banks emerging on a stage in front of a sea of applauding clones. In case that wasn’t enough, the house where the girls live is literally filled with giant pictures of Tyra. Could she be more in love with herself? I doubt it. Through out the show, there were several instances where everyone sat around praying at the shrine of Tyra. For example, when one Indian contestant began crying about the way cultures value certain beauty traits, Tyra pretended she was Oprah and offered the girl some completely cliché “meaningful” advice. It seems that every girl had some sob story and only Saint Tyra could guide them through their struggle. When did America’s Next Top Model become Queen for a Day?

The best part of Tyra’s self-righteous ranting is the blatant contradiction. She rejects one contestant for being a stripper, then assigns the girls a nude modeling task for their first photo shoot. Of course, Tyra’s flunkies defend the choice saying, “There’s a fine line between sleazy and classy.” This show really sends a great message: demonize one girl for taking her clothes off for money and then badger another when she doesn’t want to get naked for the camera. Apparently it’s ok to do anything as long as Tyra orders you to.

Watching the rejects on this show makes me anxious for the new season of American Idol. The rejected models lack any charm or novelty like the booted freaks of Idol. No one stands out and all the models look and act the same. In fact, I’ve never seen such a bland and boring crop of “models”. Normally, when a show begins a new season, they try to top the previous years. On Top Model, we’re watching another season of mediocrity with the same generic reality TV characters that appear in every show. There’s the bitchy girl, the crazy rocker chick, the insecure ugly duckling who’s really a swan… sorry, I almost fell asleep just now thinking about it. This show offers nothing new; it brings nothing to the table. There is nothing fresh, exciting, captivating, or original about it. It’s the same formula, but with even more boring characters.
Instead of watching skinny girls cry about how life is so hard for them, I’d rather watch skinny people eat bugs and try to build a fire. Stick with Survivor for your reality TV guilty pleasure this season.