Trashwire Blog

Jonah Hex : Expect more, get less

2010-06-20T12:51:00.000-06:00

Jonah Hex is most certainly a movie… and as much as I wish I could end my review there, I feel that I must elaborate.

In the ever-expanding genre of comic book movies, Jonah Hex has a comfortable home.

The film is an idyllic romp around the lawless American west with a charismatic drifter as its guide. The lead character, Jonah Hex, is modeled after DC Comics cowboy antihero, though audiences familiar with the 1970s character will discover that details surrounding Jonah–including his viciously scarred face– have been altered to fit the plot of the movie.

Read the rest on trashwire.com at...
Jonah Hex : Expect more, get less

Cop Out is evidence that less Kevin Smith is more

2010-02-26T12:39:00.001-07:00

When I first saw the trailer for Cop Out, I thought it was a parody from 30 Rock. I was almost certain it was a reference to the fictional Tracy Jordan movie Black Cop White Cop. It was only when I saw that Tracy Morgan was billed by his real name that I accepted the fact it was a real movie starring Morgan and Bruce Willis and directed by Kevin Smith.

Read the rest at http://trashwire.com/2010/02/26/cop-out-is-evidence-that-less-kevin-smith-is-more/

Shutter Island a hit for dynamic duo Scorsese and DiCaprio

2010-02-19T15:00:00.001-07:00

Shutter Island is reminiscent of classic film noir with it’s investigation plot line and hard-boiled detective lead, but contains enough plot twists and turns to keep today’s audiences enthralled with its mental gymnastics. The psychological thriller also serves as proof that Martin Scorsese and Leonardo DiCaprio are a winning team.

Read the rest on trashwire.com
http://trashwire.com/2010/02/19/shutter-island-another-hit-for-dynamic-duo-scorsese-and-dicaprio/

Youth in Revolt not so revolutionary

2010-01-12T11:25:00.002-07:00

Youth in Revolt might not be in 3D, the cast might not be filled with the biggest stars in Hollywood and it might not be playing at all the huge multiplexes in your town, but it’s sure to draw in a few Michael Cera fans looking for a Juno-like comedy with a quirky indie feel.

The film, adapted from C.D. Payne’s Youth in Revolt: The Journals of Nick Twisp, stars Cera as a teenage nerd who falls hard for smart and mature Sheeni Saunders (Portia Doubleday) and invents a bad-boy alter ego, François Dillinger, in a plot to lose his virginity to Sheeni. Cera plays both Nick and François with the only real differences between the two being blue contacts and a barely-there moustache.

Don’t get me wrong, I love Cera, but he always seems to play the same lovable nerd who eventually ends up with the girl when she realizes the hot arrogant guy isn’t right for her. Thankfully, the character of François changes up that formula with over-the-top rebellious crimes and an overall disappointment in his other self. He’s exactly the kind of hero a nerdy teenager would invent for himself, puffing on a cigarette and tossing a slick comment at his female target, and Cera manages to play him simultaneously campy and with his own trademark brand of subtlety. My only gripe with the character is that he is introduced too late and would have been able to hold audiences better if he’d entered the plot sooner.

While Cera manages to entertain as François, the rest of the brilliantly funny cast seems underutilized. Zach Galifianakis, one of the best comedians of our time, plays Nick’s mom’s boyfriend, but is only in a few scenes and doesn’t get the chance to unleash his hilarious brand of weirdness. Steve Buscemi, Ray Liotta, and Justin Long are equally underutilized in their small roles, though they do bring comedy in the few scenes they are in.

Read the rest at trashwire.com at http://trashwire.com/2010/01/12/youth-in-revolt-not-so-revolutionary/

The Ricky Gervais Guide To... The Future is a must-have

2010-01-08T11:13:00.000-07:00

After years of world-record-setting podcasts and best-selling audiobooks, Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant and Karl Pilkington have returned with a brand new entry in their “Guide To…” series, “The Ricky Gervais Guide To… The Future”. Though it’s hard to top their previous “Guide To… Law and Order”, delving into the realm of the future offers countless opportunities for Pilkington to muse on such things as internet-connected computer chips implanted in the brain, a new strategy for winning on quiz shows, and the evolution of the little finger. Thankfully, Gervais and Merchant are there to take the piss out of everything Pilkington says.

For newbies to the series, Gervais and Merchant are the creators and writers of the original version of The Office and HBO’s brilliant showbiz comedy Extras. Before they were huge, award-winning stars, they had a radio show in the U.K. and Pilkington was assigned to them to be their producer. Soon they discovered the wealth of comedy that was Pilkington’s idiocy and some of the funniest radio in history was born. The trio continued their show into the realm of podcasting, where they had the most downloaded podcast of all time, as certified by the Guinness Book of World Records. Eventually, they realized how much money could be made from this enormous hit and began releasing audiobooks for sale in the iTunes store. Their “Guide To…” series has covered such topics as medicine, the arts, society and others areas that have allowed Pilkington to ramble on nonsense as Gervais and Merchant try not to die laughing.

Read the rest on Trashwire.com at http://trashwire.com/2010/01/08/the-ricky-gervais-guide-to-the-future-is-a-must-have/

5 reasons 2009 can suck it

2009-12-31T11:10:00.000-07:00

Today’s the last day of 2009 and I, for one, can’t wait until it’s over. Aside from the bad economy, 2009 also brought us such unwelcome gifts as Balloon Boy, H1N1, Kanye’s VMA outburst, and celebrity deaths by the truckload. While some people are writing lists about their favorite moments of the year, I’ve compiled a list of reasons why I’m looking forward to saying sayonara to 2009. So, without further delay, I bring you… 5 reasons 2009 can suck it.

5. Lamar Odom marries Khloe Kardashian:
After becoming a stand out on a championship team, Odom made headlines of another variety when he met and quickly married a Kardashian. The scandalous union seemed like one of the biggest publicity stunts of the year, but it worked, making both household names and propelling the duo to a whole new level of fame. The Keeping Up with the Kardashians wedding special sealed the deal for unadulterated overexposure.

4. The rise of the non-celebrity
Whether it’s Balloon Boy, Octomom or the Gosselins, 2009 marked the year the meek inherited the world of entertainment. Every tabloid magazine or entertainment news show seemed to be filled with random people who had managed to squeeze every last drop out of their 15 minutes of fame. If you’re like me, you were left wondering where all the actors, singers, and actual talented people were.

3. The never-ending healthcare quagmire
Death panels? Public options? Pre-existing conditions? This year healthcare was all the rage as the government sought to make sense of the ridiculous predicament insurance companies and the American people had gotten themselves into. Each day, things got more confusing as compromises were made and the whole thing started to spin out of control. Some have argued that it’s all been a way to take our minds off the war, and that might be true, but the real question is, how can I get a job on one of those death panels?

2. Sarah Palin writes a best-seller
It’s questionable that Palin has ever read a book, but this year she published Going Rogue: An American Life, which became hugely popular with people who liked her kooky antics. Sadly, the book wasn’t just pictures of her holding shotguns standing over dead moose carcasses. As if we needed to hear any more nonsense from this vacuous media whore!

1. The death of the King of Pop
Michael Jackson’s death was a true tragedy that devastated his fans all over the world. After the initial sadness, there was the media storm and subsequent exploitation (I’m looking at you Jermaine!) of everything MJ from This Is It to the countless products baring an image of the late great superstar. The worst part of it all is that the death of such a significant and talented person left a void that the media filled with hordes of non-celebrities from Speidi to the kids from Jersey Shore.

Avatar raises the bar for visual effects

2009-12-30T11:05:00.000-07:00

I remember seeing Jurassic Park as a kid and feeling absolutely sure that it was the biggest movie ever. There was no way any computer would ever be able to build something more realistic than the stunning dinosaurs in that film. Of course, then came Titanic and Lord of the Rings and with each film, it seems the standard for visual excellence becomes higher. Now there’s James Cameron’s Avatar, which will certainly go down in history as one of the greatest cinematic accomplishments of the decade if not the century.

Read the rest at http://trashwire.com/2009/12/29/avatar-raises-the-bar-for-visual-effects/

It's A Very Sunny Christmas

2009-12-22T11:48:00.001-07:00

It’s a Very Sunny Christmas

If one of your favorite holiday traditions involves throwing rocks at trains then It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia: A Very Sunny Christmas might be just the Christmas special for you. The special, exclusively on DVD and Blu-ray, brings the same TV-MA humor that Sunny fans love to the holiday season as Mac, Charlie, Dennis, Sweet Dee and Frank relive their favorite Christmas traditions and try to understand the Christmas spirit.

Read the rest at http://trashwire.com/2009/12/21/its-a-very-sunny-christmas/

New Moon is no Romeo + Juliet but it's still teenage fun

2009-12-10T13:01:00.000-07:00

You might find this hard to believe because I’m such a classy, dignified lady, but I was once a giggling teen with a major crush on a young Leonardo DiCaprio. Like so many girls (and some guys) of my generation, I was convinced that there was no greater heartthrob than Leo. Today, it seems the hottie du jour is everyone’s favorite sparkly vampire, Robert Pattinson.

Before Twilight, and its sequel New Moon, there was William Shakespeare’s Romeo + Juliet, directed by Baz Luhrmann. That film began the Reign of Leo as the be-all end-all sexy icon of young Hollywood. Like Twilight, it wove age-old themes of first love, societal restrictions and sorrow caused by violence with good-looking actors and cool contemporary music.

It’s only fitting that New Moon constantly references Shakespeare’s timeless tale of star-crossed lovers when continuing the story of plain-jane Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) and her immortal love Edward Cullen (Pattinson). This film sees the couple put to the test when their two worlds seem at odds. Bella is a human who dreads turning 18 because it symbolizes that pesky mortality that will surely keep her from spending an eternity with her immortal vampire boyfriend. Edward fears for Bella’s safety, knowing how irresistible fresh human blood is to his kind and, in usual cruel-to-be-kind fashion, tries to drive her away in an effort to protect her. After he splits, she starts spending time with another supernatural hottie, the werewolf Jacob Black, played by an insanely ripped Taylor Lautner. Bella is at a crossroads. Should she date the teen wolf with the rock hard abs or the pale, brooding, vampire whose hotness seems to increase as he gets more morose?

Read the rest at http://trashwire.com/2009/12/09/new-moon/

Whatever, Martha! sharp, funny and incredibly amusing

2009-12-02T21:06:00.003-07:00

Whatever, Martha! sharp, funny and incredibly amusing

Whatever, Martha! sharp, funny and amusingWhen someone asks me what my favorite show is, I usually say South Park, 30 Rock or It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. While I do love those shows, there are a whole slew of other great shows, buried in the nether regions of deep cable, that I TiVo religiously but typically forget about when compiling a list of faves. FLN’s Whatever, Martha! definitely falls into that category.

Read the rest on trashwire.com
http://trashwire.com/2009/12/02/whatever-martha-sharp-funny-and-incredibly-amusing

J.J. Abrams' Star Trek comes to DVD and Blu-ray

2009-11-16T12:05:00.000-07:00

J.J. Abrams’ Star Trek comes to DVD and Blu-ray

There’s no doubt that J.J. Abrams’ Star Trek was one of the biggest movies of the summer. The epic prequel hits stores Tuesday on DVD and Blu-ray, loaded with special features and extras that are sure to please diehard Trekkers and new fans alike.

Read the rest at Trashwire.com
http://trashwire.com/2009/11/16/j-j-abrams-star-trek-comes-to-dvd-and-blu-ray/

'This Is It' spectacular and bittersweet

2009-10-28T17:55:00.000-06:00

'This Is It' spectacular and bittersweet

It’s understandable that Michael Jackson’s This Is It has become a controversial issue among fans. The film showcases Jackson’s indescribable talent and creative vision, cementing his status as the most amazing entertainer of all time, but will leave audiences with a bittersweet feeling in light of his untimely death.

Read the rest at trashwire.com
http://trashwire.com/2009/10/28/this-is-it-spectacular-and-bittersweet/

South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut comes to Blu-ray with new commentary track

2009-10-14T14:59:00.001-06:00

About a decade ago, I walked into the Circuit City in Boulder, Colorado to buy my very first DVD, South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut. Yesterday felt like a déjà vu as I went to Best Buy in Denver to buy my first ever Blu-ray, which just so happened to be the exact same movie.

Sure, no one’s been holding their breath to see South Park’s construction paper animation in glorious high definition and it’s doubtful that anyone needs 5.1 Dolby Digital surround sound to fully enjoy “Uncle Fucker”, but the disc contains one thing that’s sure to make fans of Trey Parker and Matt Stone rejoice: a brand new commentary track.

Read the rest at http://trashwire.com/2009/10/14/southpark-bluray/

Chris Rock's new doc 'Good Hair' both hilarious and insightful

2009-10-13T15:13:00.001-06:00

Chris Rock’s new documentary Good Hair began when one of his daughters came to him to ask, “Daddy, how come I don’t have good hair?” The question inspired Rock’s journey through the world of black hair, from barbershops to celebrity interviews to the largest black hair show in Atlanta.

Read the rest at http://trashwire.com/2009/10/09/good-hair/

Zombieland is thoroughly entertaining

2009-10-06T15:32:00.002-06:00

Zombieland is thoroughly entertaining

If you’ve seen any zombie movies or read Max Brooks’“Zombie Survival Guide,” then you know the key to actually surviving a zombie threat is by having a few rules to follow, and things are no different for Columbus (Jesse Eisenberg) as he tries to make it through a zombie infested world in the new horror/comedy film, Zombieland, from director Ruben Fleischer.

Read the rest at http://trashwire.com/2009/10/06/zombieland/

Michael Moore's at it again with Capitalism: A Love Story

2009-10-02T12:03:00.000-06:00

There’s no such thing as an objective documentary. Every documentary, right down to the ones about wild animals roaming the tundra, has been injected with some opinion because every documentary is composed of shots and scenes edited together to create a sort of story. Michael Moore is a master of piecing these elements together to create meaning and a message.

Read the rest at Trashwire.com
http://trashwire.com/2009/10/02/capitalism-a-love-story/

Michael Moore

2009-10-02T11:55:00.001-06:00

Michael Moore’s at it again with Capitalism: A Love Story

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Same jokes different character on The Cleveland Show

2009-09-30T22:31:00.001-06:00

Same jokes different character on The Cleveland Show

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Modern Family a fresh take on the network sitcom

2009-09-22T19:45:00.001-06:00

Modern Family a fresh take on the network sitcom

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Killer cast makes great comedy in Bored to Death

2009-09-18T13:26:00.001-06:00

Killer cast makes great comedy in Bored to Death

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The revolution may be televised but Jay Leno won

2009-09-15T13:05:00.001-06:00

The revolution may be televised but Jay Leno won’t be the host

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Touching tribute to the King of Pop upstaged by Kanye

2009-09-15T12:16:00.001-06:00

Touching tribute to the King of Pop upstaged by Kanye’s award show terrorism

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Mini characters fight a large scale apocalypse in Shane Acker

2009-09-09T11:37:00.001-06:00

Mini characters fight a large scale apocalypse in Shane Acker’s ‘9′

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Clark Duke steals the show in Sex Drive

2009-09-04T13:23:00.001-06:00

Clark Duke steals the show in Sex Drive

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NEW ON TRASHWIRE: Inglourious Basterds truly Tarantino's masterpiece

2009-08-27T11:42:00.000-06:00

NEW: Inglourious Basterds truly Tarantino’s masterpiece

If any of you are wondering why it took me so long to get this review of Inglourious Basterds on Trashwire, the answer is that I’ve spend the last four days trying to think of how to sum up my feelings about the film without superfluous use of words like “amazing” or “awesome”. The performances from the cast, including Brad Pitt, Diane Kruger, Mélanie Laurent, and an almost obscenely stellar turn from Christoph Waltz, add so much to the film, but the real star might be Director Quentin Tarantino.

Read the rest at http://trashwire.com/2009/08/27/inglourious-basterds/

The Marc Pease Experience

2009-08-24T14:03:00.001-06:00

The Marc Pease Experience – good cast, but no Rushmore

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District 9 an alien original

2009-08-18T14:37:00.001-06:00

District 9 an alien original

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Audiences will fall in love with Charlyne Yi in Paper Heart

2009-08-17T11:44:00.001-06:00

Audiences will fall in love with Charlyne Yi in Paper Heart

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Funny (real) People

2009-08-04T21:22:00.001-06:00

Funny (real) People

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500 Days of Summer a refreshing rom-com

2009-07-24T17:57:00.001-06:00

500 Days of Summer a refreshing rom-com

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Whatever Works really works

2009-07-20T14:24:00.001-06:00

Whatever Works really works

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Public Enemies shows what a summer blockbuster is supposed to be

2009-07-10T11:29:00.001-06:00

Public Enemies shows what a summer blockbuster is supposed to be

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Away We Go will outlast summer blockbusters

2009-07-10T11:23:00.001-06:00

Away We Go will outlast summer blockbusters

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Trashwire interviews Arj Barker

2009-06-27T16:49:00.000-06:00

Arj Barker is best known in the USA for his role as Dave on the HBO series Flight of the Conchords, but he has also been doing stand up for over a decade and has a huge following in Australia. He has an animated online series called “Arj and Poopy” that has been described as, “Short and classic. Just what you expect from Arj and Poopy. This one might not be suitable for small children or cops.”

View the video of the interview at Trashwire.com at http://trashwire.com/2009/06/27/trashwire-sits-down-with-arj-barker-at-comedy-works-in-denver/

What Michael Jackson meant to me

2009-06-26T12:28:00.001-06:00

"To me, Michael Jackson was much more than a singer, a dancer, and a celebrity. To me, he represented The Dream, the hope and optimism that can keep us going in our darkest hours."

Read the rest on Trashwire.com at http://trashwire.com/2009/06/25/michael-jackson/

New doc paints captivating portrait of Mike Tyson

2009-06-15T20:11:00.001-06:00

Director James Toback’s inventive visual style and complex mixture of original interviews, archival footage and photos combines with the captivating words from Mike Tyson himself to make Tyson one of the most fascinating portraits of a sports figure in years.

Read the review on trashwire.com at http://trashwire.com/2009/06/15/tyson/

Bradley Cooper on

2009-06-05T17:32:00.001-06:00

Bradley Cooper on ‘The Hangover’ and evolving comedy

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The A-List comes out for the White House Correspondents Dinner

2009-05-12T10:39:00.001-06:00

The A-List comes out for the White House Correspondents Dinner

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Chuck Vs. The Chopping Block: How creative television isn’t given a chance

2009-05-04T13:32:00.001-06:00

Chuck Vs. The Chopping Block: How creative television isn’t given a chance

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Do you like fishsticks?

2009-04-09T14:45:00.001-06:00

Do you like fishsticks?

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Free screening of Observe and Report in Denver

2009-04-06T11:22:00.001-06:00

Free screening of Observe and Report in Denver

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Gerard Way is looking for a Trans Am

2009-03-25T11:13:00.001-06:00

Gerard Way is looking for a Trans Am

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Basketball Diaries from Planet Orange

2009-03-22T18:31:00.001-06:00

Basketball Diaries from Planet Orange

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FREE passes for Sunshine Cleaning screening in Denver

2009-03-06T14:31:00.001-07:00

FREE passes for Sunshine Cleaning screening in Denver

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Ville Valo opens up a virtual treasure chest of Weak Twins

2009-03-05T00:05:00.001-07:00

Ville Valo opens up a virtual treasure chest of Weak Twins

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Trashwire’s Wil Chinchilla will cover SXSW 2009

2009-03-03T15:11:00.001-07:00

Trashwire’s Wil Chinchilla will cover SXSW 2009

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Free passes for ‘I Love You Man’ screening in Denver

2009-02-25T12:29:00.001-07:00

Free passes for ‘I Love You Man’ screening in Denver

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The Whitest Kids U’Know come to Denver

2009-02-23T13:41:00.000-07:00

The Whitest Kids U’Know come to Denver

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Basketball Diaries from NBA All-Star Weekend

2009-02-15T17:30:00.001-07:00

Basketball Diaries from NBA All-Star Weekend

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RuPaul’s Drag Race is the definition of fierce

2009-02-06T20:22:00.001-07:00

RuPaul’s Drag Race is the definition of fierce

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5 things I learned about dudes from watching Super Bowl ads

2009-02-02T11:58:00.000-07:00

For guys, the Super Bowl is like Christmas, New Years and a birthday all rolled into one. Aside from the game itself, all the expensive advertising seems to celebrate this most dude-centric of days. As a woman, I found it fascinating to watch what advertisers think will be appealing and to take a look at what we learn about guys from watching the Super Bowl commercials, so I bring you this list of 5 things we learn about dudes from watching these commercials.

Read more at Trashwire.com

United States of Tara suffocates on slang

2009-01-26T21:48:00.001-07:00

United States of Tara suffocates on slang

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Big Brother 8

2007-07-07T13:28:00.001-06:00

Years ago, CBS debuted a new reality series called Big Brother. Back then, the cast was older, the show was more interactive, high-speed internet access was rare, and the live-feeds were tiny, grainy images of a chicken coop for most of the day.

Since then, the show has evolved into a summer guilty pleasure with eye-candy abound. Though there have been new twists in the game (the Power of Veto), new architecture in the house (the addition of a second story and HoH suite) and new houseguests to compete (hotties like Kaysar from BB6 and BB7), the show remains the most real of reality tv.

Unlike most reality shows, which are completely at the mercy of their editors, Big Brother offers something different: a live internet feed from inside the house. This allows viewers to watch all the plotting, strategizing, and back-stabbing that takes place during an average day in the house as it's happening. These live feeds are what make the show so much better than other "reality" programs like Survivor or The Real World.

Big Brother also has one of the most dedicated fan communities on the web. BB fans are up at all house, watching the feeds, taking screen caps, summarizing any updates, and discussing their favorite alliances. While it may not exactly be Monday Night Football, fans of this show are more into it than any die-hard arm-chair-quarterback.

I've been a fan of Big Brother since the first season and I only missed one episode due to a huge storm that passed through my neighborhood and knocked out the power.

Last year, I started a blog for Big Brother All-Stars, my dream season, featuring some of my favorite players from seasons past. That blog became pretty popular, and I've decided to go for it again this year with Big Brother 8.

This blog will feature updates, commentary, links and even a few screencaps or YouTube videos from this season and maybe even from past seasons too.

Keep checking back here to see what's cookin' in the BB house!

-Alexis

Breathing New Life into TV Sketch Comedy

2007-05-10T21:28:00.001-06:00

Sketch comedy shows seem to be getting a television revival these days. Trashwire.com Editor Alexis Gentry examines AcceptableTV, Human Giant, and The Whitest Kids U' Know.

Check out the article and view clips from the shows here on Trashwire.com.

LaToya's got a gun

2007-01-11T13:40:00.000-07:00

Ok, you know how I said The Surreal Life Fame Games was the greatest celebreality show on TV? Well that was before I saw the premiere episode of Armed and Famous on CBS. The race for the most outrageous celebrity reality challenge is heating up with this new contender.

In the first episode, the cast arrived in Muncie, Indiana to being their training in hopes of becoming official police officers. First to appear was Erik Estrada, then LaToya Jackson, followed by Jack Osbourne, Trish Stratus and Jason Acuna. They began their journey with a briefing by Sgt. Rick Eber, who informed them that their celebrity status meant nothing in the mean streets of Muncie.

Next up, the gang got an overview on safety and learned about dangerous scenarios by doing mock traffic stops. Each cast member was outfitted with a fake gun and told to pull over an officer pretending to be a suspect. Estrada took the job a bit too seriously and started barking at the man like he was a wanted murderer when the scenario was only for a routine traffic ticket. Osbourne excelled at the task by staying on his toes and jumping into action when the fake perp pulled a gun. Jackson wasn’t so sharp and she panicked and emptied a clip into the man as he was attempting to comply with her orders. This lead the training officers to proclaim, “Jackson shot an unarmed man!” and caused me to laugh for 20 minutes.

It only got better after the commercial break when the celebrities were learning to use their tasers. Apparently the rule in Indiana is that you can only posses a taser is you have been tased yourself. In what seemed like some awful frat initiation, each celebrity lined up to be tased by an officer of the Muncie police department. They were given the option of being shocked with clip on wires or being shot with the little metal spikes that the police normally use. Osbourne was up first and he opted for the less painful clips. Even with the clips, the shock was strong enough to knock him on his knees for a while. One by one the rest of the crew got ready to take their tasing. Soon, Jackson stepped up for her turn.

At this point, I nearly lost it. I was laughing so hard already that I almost blew a funny fuse, but the idea of seeing LaToya Jackson getting tased on national TV was more than I could handle. I had to pause it for a minute and regain my composure before I could actually watch the scene.

She got ready and they fired up the taser. She screamed like Michael in the “Smooth Criminal” video and then collapsed to the floor. Being the crazy lady that she is, she then turned it into a big production, complete with shortness of breath and strained speech. Everyone stopped for a moment to ask her if she was alright. Of course, she was fine and they moved on the the next celeb.

While all the other celebrities opted for the clips, Trish Stratus proved that she’s a tough cookie and opted to be shot with the little metal spikes. She lined up and they shot her, sending her to her knees as well. She quickly recovered and was back on her feet and smiling seconds later, making all the guys in the group feel like total pussies.

After recovering, the recruits were ready to move on to the next lesson, but not before LaToya decided to make a phone call to her brother Jackie. I can only imagine the look on Jackie’s face when he picked up the phone to hear, “Hi! I’m in Muncie, Indiana and I’m training to be a cop!” LaToya looked around confused as there was a long pause from the other end. Jackie proceeded to ask her why she was doing this and whether their parents knew about it. She explained her motivations and begged him not to tell their mother about it. All this was coming from a 50 year old woman, mind you. I can only hope that every episode gives us little glimpses like this into the kookiness that is the Jackson family.

Later on the celebs learned to use real weapons. Osbourne again lead the class with his marksmanship and Jackson was again in the bottom. At one point, she emptied an entire clip at the cut-out target and her instructor remarked that, “There’s eleven bullets that aren’t even on this target.”

The show was so filled with priceless moments that it’s impossible to even capture it all in this blog. Just know that I had to immediately watch it again after it ended because I just couldn’t believe my eyes. This might be one of the most outrageous and amazing things to ever air on television. I can only pray that every episode is as awesome as the first one.

If I had to pick one little clip that could sum up the episode I’d pick this one:
During training for hand-to-hand combat, Jackson was paired up with Osbourne for a scenario using pressure points on the neck. She grabbed his neck with one hand and applied the pressure to the side of his neck with her other hand. He flailed around and then grabbed his neck in pain before saying in terror, “LaToya is scaring the hell out of me!” That just goes to show you how terrifying the Jackson clan is; they scare the hell out of Jack Osbourne, son of the Prince of Darkness.

If you are a fan of trashy reality shows, you simply cannot miss Armed and Famous. You can find out more about the show at cbs.com/primetime/armed_and_famous and check out episodes and extras on CBS’s Innertube Player.

D-List Olympics

2007-01-11T13:39:00.001-07:00

Every now and then, a show comes along that is so spectacularly horrifying that it becomes an instant trash tv classic. The Surreal Life Fame Games is that show.

It takes a lot to be the biggest douche in the Surreal Life universe, but Jordan Knight took the title in the first episode. Not only did he spend the entire time he was in the house bitching and moaning about every single thing, but then he got a call saying his grandma died and he cried and left. That is legitimately sad and I feel sorry for him in that respect, but he’s like the boy who cried wolf. He cries and bitches about so much that when something really tragic does happen, you can’t destinguish whether it’s more important than the last trivial thing he was crying about. Frankly, it’s for the best because he’s a whiney little bitch and it’s great to see him out of the house. He was later replaced by Verne “pee in a corner” Troyer.

The first competition involved our favorite has-beens going head to head with each other in a battle over fan adoration. They were lined up in front of a bunch of random people off the street and the people were given a chance to take a picture with the celeb of their choice. Whoever got the most pictures won a prize and immunity and the three with the fewest pictures were sent to another competition. Rob “Vanilla Ice” Van Winkle killed the competition getting almost twice as many pictures as anyone else. If there was ever proof in his mind that doing The Surreal Life put him back on the map, this was it. Older people were asking for pictures with him because they remember him from back in the day, young girls wanted his picture because he’s hot, and others wanted his picture because he’s legendary. Without Rob, there would be no Eminem and no Kevin Federline. The fewest pictures went to Andrea Lowell (a Playboy chick no one’s ever heard of), Chyna Doll, and Troyer.

They were forced to compete in the second round of the elimination challenge, a game show type competition about celebrity gift bags. Chyna Doll and Troyer were eliminated in that round and sent off to the B-List section of the house. Now they’ll go head to head to see who is sent packing from the manison and kicked off the show.

I might have to watch this a zillion times and record it on a DVD because it’s like a dream come true. It’s as if we at Trashwire asked Santa for the ultimate d-list celebreality explosion and then it showed up under the tree on Christmas morning. If watching real people humiliate themselves on tv is good, then watching celebrities do it is excellent.

Accept no imitations, The Surreal Life Fame Games is the greatest celebreality show on tv. Be sure to tune in every Sunday and see who gets eliminated. You know we’ll be glued to the tv.

Janice Dickinson Returns

2007-01-11T13:39:00.000-07:00

Tonight marked the kick-off of another season of The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency on Oxygen. After what seemed like seven hours of recap, the show began in much the same way as it had in the first season, with Janice holding open calls and looking for models. The only person of note that showed up was JP from the most recent season of Survivor. Apparently he’s interested in becoming a model and he stripped down to his little underwear and struck a few poses for the cameras.

Aside from that, there really isn’t really anything new about the new season of the show. Janice berated the model hopefuls, just like last time, and bickered with her business partner, just like last time. She also went into detail about the difference between commercial models and high fashion models, just like last time. The whole thing felt a bit like a flashback.

Later on, a few of Janice’s models walked in a fashion show for designer Alan Del Rosario during LA’s fashion week. The folks at the agency were stunned and horrified when one of the models failed to show up at the show, but they were pleasantly surprised when Nyabel, a model from Sudan, rocked the house and exceeded everyone’s expectations.

Janice is still delightfully dramatic and the show provides a fun alternative to the Tyra-centric America’s Next Top Model, but the format is still too similar to the last season. They’ve done nothing to raise the stakes for the new run of episodes. Anyone who missed the first season of the show should enjoy this new season because it’ll catch you up on the entire Janice Dickinson saga thus far. It’s still definitely worth watching-where else are you going to see Janice trying to out shout an irate model during an open call?-but you won’t be crushed if you miss a few episodes.

Find out more about the show at oxygen.com/janice.

TrashwireTV Blog

2007-01-07T22:29:00.000-07:00

For anyone who hasn't checked out the brand new TrashwireTV blog, head on over to trashwire.tv/blog to check it out. I've been updating it like crazy lately with information and reviews of all the latest and greatest trashy reality shows. I'd love to hear your feedback about it.

The Future of Trashwire.com

2007-01-05T17:32:00.000-07:00

First of all, happy new year!

We're planning some really big stuff for 2007, so be sure to stay tuned for updates and announcements.

The first big project we're in the process of solidifying is the launch of TrashwireTV. TrashwireTV is the new show we are developing for Denver Open Media. It will combine sketches, news, movie reviews and much more. We'll also be launching a new site for the show, which will feature episodes, behind-the-scenes info, and extras. It will also feature a blog about the episodes and about our favorite trashy TV shows. The new site is up, so feel free to browse. You can access it at http://trashwire.tv and you can view the blog at http://trashwire.tv/blog.

Next, we are looking to expand Trashwire and add some new writers. If you're interested in becoming a writer for Trashwire, please use the contact form to send us an email. We're looking for fun people with a good sense of humor who love writing about all aspects of pop culture. We would really like to add a web video section, so we're also looking for people who make web videos too. If you're a creative person and you want a place to publish your work, send us an email.

We'd love to hear your feedback on the new updates as they arrive. Send us your comments on the contact page or friend us on MySpace.

With your help, we can make 2007 the year of Trashwire.com!

Beyond Jumping the Shark

2007-01-05T03:06:00.000-07:00

Those of you who could actually get through an episode of Flavor of Love without puking will be pleased to hear that everyone's favorite Head-Bitch-In-Charge is back with her very own reality dating show. That's right, New York (real name Tiffany Patterson), the psychotic diva from both seasons one and two of Flavor of Love is back on VH1 and looking for love once again. Her new series, I Love New York, puts her in a house with 20 single guys who compete for her affection.

I have to say, you'd think that being totally rejected by Flavor Flav twice on national TV would be enough to make a person realize how repulsive they really were, but apparently New York didn't get that memo. Instead, she and her freakish mother (who, I'm convinced, is actually a man) will go through the whole trashy charade again. Yes, trash fans, even her horrible mother will be back this season. Make sure you keep your vomit buckets ready. New York's self-absorbed chatter and psychotic diva rants will surely make our list of trash TV highlights this year.

Still, I think the real fascinating question here is this... just how many times can VH1 spin off a show? If you recall, the entire Flavor Flav dating show phenomenon started way back in 2004 with The Surreal Life. That show lead to the unholy union of Flavor Flav and Brigitte Nielson. Later, their relationship spawned Strange Love, a reality-romance series about Flav's attempts to woo Nielson. As if that wasn't enough, when Flav and Brigitte split, VH1 introduced a new show, the original Flavor of Love. After the first season of that show yielded no long-term love interest for Flav, VH1 decided to bring it back again in another quest to find Flav a woman. All this might leave you wondering just why VH1 has taken such an interest in the love life of the self-proclaimed "World's Greatest Hype Man". Now VH1 has once again introduced a spin off in the Flavor Flav love saga, bringing us the latest reality abortion, I Love New York.

Seriously, VH1, why are you doing this?! This goes so far over the line of jumping the shark that I think a new term needs to be coined for this scheme of running a concept so far into the ground. Clearly, this network does not know when it's time to let an idea die. All this is made even more hilarious by the fact that infamous "clock ceremony" line from Flavor of Love was "you know what time it is." Please, VH1, just let this whole Flavor Flav thing go and come up with something else. You know it's gotten pretty bad because this is coming from Trashwire.com. We have very strong stomachs for trashy TV, but this is testing even our tolerance. Keeping the cameras rolling as a girl took a shit on the carpet during the second season of Flavor of Love was one thing, but now we're so desparate for crap reality that we need to create and entire series where we find a man for someone who isn't even famous enough to qualify as a d-lister?! When will it end?!

It's so horrible that we just can't resist it and we'll be there watching on January 8th a 9PM EST when I Love New York premieres on VH1.

Click HERE for more information about the show and to watch episodes and extras from VSpot on VH1.com.

Starting '07 off with a bang...

2007-01-02T15:36:00.000-07:00

2007 is sure to be a major year for the trash reality show. The old favorites are going to be back and there are going to be some new ones that look very promising. There are two that start in the next few weeks that I'm super excited for...

The first is The Surreal Life Fame Games. This will, no doubt, be awesome because it's basically Surreal Life All-Stars, except no one on that show is really an all-star. Some of your favorite d-listers are back including Vanilla Ice. The previews alone are amazing and there is sure to be some crazy stuff going down. Apparently the cast must compete to see who is more famous and the person who is least famous every week gets voted off.

Next is a new show, Armed and Famous. This show takes celebrities like Jack Osbourne and LaToya Jackson and turns them into law enforcement officers in a small town. They get guns and badges and they go around arresting people. This is amazing because it combines The Surreal Life and Cops, two trash TV classics.

Those are my two big picks so far, but I'm sure as 2007 rolls on I'll have a lot more shows to look out for. Stay tuned to Trashwire.

A special Christmas video from Trashwire.com

2006-12-25T17:06:00.000-07:00

The Dance of Cracky Claus -->http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zc-B-M7vECs

The Snowman Conspiracy

2006-12-21T22:58:00.000-07:00

We just had a giant major snowstorm here in Colorado. Everything was closed, the roads, the schools, all the businesses, everything. The airport has been closed for two days, which is the longest in the history of this airport. The governor even declared it a state of emergency and the National Guard was here helping people get their cars off the highway.

Around my neighborhood, people were just starting to venture out again. A couple people managed to dig their cars out from underneath about four feet of snow, but most people failed and abandoned their cars in the middle of the road. Other than that, the streets were pretty empty all day.

Then tonight, we noticed something....

There were dozens of snowmen on all the corners, some of them up to seven feet high! The weird part was that we never saw anyone building them. I would think that an giant seven foot snowman takes a while to construct, but these seemed to just manifest out of nowhere. At first, it was cute and it brought holiday cheer, but then it was almost spooky.

It reminded me of Jack Frost, my favorite bad holiday movie. No, it's not the friendly family movie with Michael Keaton, but the one about a giant mutant killer snowman that terrorizes a Colorado town called Snowmonton. The film also features a young Shannon Elizabeth being killed by the snowman in a very special way. Netflix it folks. It's good stuff.

Check out more phantom snowman photos here Snowman Photo Album

The Infamous "Dick in a Box" Digital Short

2006-12-21T21:57:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/v/1dmVU08zVpA

For anyone who didn't see the SNL with Justin Timberlake the other day, here is the "Dick in a Box" song that Andy Samberg did with Timberlake. It was really, really funny and totally worth watching, a great parody of all those Color Me Bad kind of groups from the early 1990s.

Jason Reitman Takes the Trashwire Survey

2006-12-20T22:51:00.000-07:00

We didn't think it was possible for Jason Reitman to be any cooler than he already was... but he proved us wrong. Check out his answers to our classic survey questions.

http://trashwire.com/reitman.html

The most awful lunchroom prank

2006-12-18T18:03:00.000-07:00

The Smoking Gun just posted this story about a teenage boy who played a rather extreme "prank" on his classmates during lunch period. This is the letter the principal had to send out to parents.

Click here to read the whole story at The Smoking Gun and see a mug shot of the kid who did it. HERE

"Teenagers scare the living shit out of me."

Comedy Clubs or Battle Grounds?

2006-12-13T01:25:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/v/GtrBZJ9pYC0

What is the deal with comedy clubs these days? First Kramer's screaming racial slurs, now Pauly Shore's getting punched in the face.... is the whole entertainment world coming to an end?

Michael Richards, Douche

2006-12-12T23:49:00.000-07:00

At this point, Michael Richards’ racial tirade is already old news. But, since everyone else has already given their two cents on the whole matter, I thought I’d weigh in myself. I’m guessing we’ve all seen the video at this point and most of us probably found it shocking. I was not hugely surprised, in fact I didn’t expect it to turn into a sequel of Nipplegate, but I admit to watching the clip with a bit of a startled look on my face. Most surprising is that it’s just plain not funny. It’s one thing if Richards’ responses to hecklers had the quick wit and timing that would be expected of a seasoned stand-up comedian. Instead, he just got really loud and repeated the same phrases over and over again with increasing intensity.

Unlike most of the world, I don’t believe that Richards is a racist. I believe him when he said he was trying to be shocking and make a joke out of the situation. Instead of believing that all along TV’s lovable Kramer has been hiding some seedy racist dark side, I think it really boils down to the fact that he’s just not that good. Instead of being a total racist, he’s really just a moron. He thought that he could pull of responding to hecklers who offended him by doing something amusing, edgy, and offensive right back. Instead of pulling off a Lenny Bruce or even a Lisa Lampanelli, he just became another Mel Gibson, a big star who embarrasses himself when he lets his mouth write a check his talent can’t cash.

Instead of branding Michael Richards a Klansman, we should all just realize he’s not some closet racist, he’s just a has-been and an arrogant hack. Just like when Mel Gibson declared that he thinks the Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world, it didn’t instantaneously destroy the lives of every Jewish person, instead the person it hurt the most was the idiot who said it. Michael Richards, like Mel Gibson before him, is getting just what he deserves from this. His goal was to humiliate the hecklers, but guess who’s laughing now.

New Clive and Jasmine episode on Trashwire

2006-12-01T14:09:00.000-07:00

Clive and Jasmine and the Duckling Stomping by Greg Garner

They're back! Clive and Jasmine return in this new episode of the popular Trashwire series and this time they're facing what they fear most.

Click HERE to read it.

New Movie Review on Trashwire.com

2006-11-28T19:58:00.000-07:00

Denver Film Festival Review: F*ck by Alexis Gentry

This new documentary examines the complex history, variety of uses, and the controversy surrounding one of the world's most infamous words.

Visit trashwire.com/fuck.html to check it out.

Celebrity Fat Suit Epidemic

2006-11-21T20:16:00.000-07:00

It seems that every show these days has at least one episode where one of their slim stars dawns a fat suit. There was Tyra and her retarded fat "experiment" where she put on a fat suit and glasses and was horrified to learn that her bitchy diva behavior was rarely tolerated. There was Vanessa Minnillo's fat suit episode, that I've never seen but heard all about. Now I just heard that another famous person is going to put on the fat suit and talk about how hard it is to be fat. Doesn't this seem totally fucked up? I thought I'd put some pics of famous people in fat suits here so we can see this epidemic spread.

First up we have Tyra Banks in her infamous fat suit experiment. While I never watch her show because I find her soul-destroying, I saw a lot of clips from this episode and it was completely priceless. It was basically Tyra in costume being a huge bitchy diva and then saying "people were treating me so badly!"

Vanessa Minnillo also dawned a fat suit for some social experiment or something, or maybe just to make fat people feel bad about themselves. I think it was her doing some kind of parody of Ugly Betty.

Ryan Reynolds also put on the infamous fat suit for a movie he did called Just Friends. The movie was a flop, but it still represents another time a famous person put on a fat suit to make the statement that fat people suck.

Even classy ladies like Paltrow are not above making fun of women who are fatter than them. Paltrow put on the fat suit for her role in the Jack Black comedy Shallow Hal, a film about a guy who only dates really hot chicks until getting hypnotized by Tony Robbins and sees the "real beauty" in women. Of course, the real point of the film was to see how many fat jokes could fit into 113 min.

Of course, the fat suit craze has been going on for years. On Friends, Courtney Cox rocked the suit when she was fat Monica...

And Eddie Murphy also made the fat suit famous in The Nutty Professor and all the sequels.

The best fat suit joke I've ever seen was by Rachel Dratch on SNL a few seasons back. She did a whole segment on Weekend Update about how celebrities had been putting on fat suits for their little "social experiments" and how that was total crap. The best part of the whole segment was her last line. She said, "So the next time you're rude to a fat person, think twice about it because it could be a celebrity in a fat suit."

Denver Film Festival Reviews Up Now

2006-11-20T16:52:00.000-07:00

Alexis just added two more reviews from the Denver Film Festival. You can see them on the main page here or you can read each one by clicking the links below.

Who Loves the Sun
Will Morrison and Daniel Bloom were the best of friends. They grew up together. Went to the same schools. Liked the same records. Loved the same girls. Daniel was Will's best man at his wedding to Maggie Claire. Then one day Will disappeared without a word. Half a decade later he re-surfaces and sets off a tsunami of unforeseeable events.

Vanaja
Vanaja, the 15 year old daughter of a financially troubled fisherman goes to work in the local landlady's house in hopes of learning Kuchipudi dance. She does well, but when the Landlady's son returns from the US, what begins as innocent sexual chemistry turns ugly, ending in a rape - a rape of a minor. Set in rural South India, a place where social barriers are built stronger than ancient fort walls, the film explores the chasm that divides classes as a young girl struggles to come of age.

Trashwire.com updates

2006-11-17T20:39:00.000-07:00

We know it's been a long time, but Trashwire.com was just updated with a brand new review of Tenacious D in The Pick of Destiny. Alexis got to see the film at the Denver Film Festival and wrote up a quick review here.

Watch K.Fed Get Dumped Via Text Message

2006-11-11T01:28:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qkq0w6ua_Sg

Is it wrong that I find this so funny?

Why Kanye West Makes Me Puke

2006-11-10T22:54:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=74YTisfHOJE

Kanye West was up for Best Video at the recent MTV Europe music awards, but he lost. Rather than letting it go, he decided to crash the acceptance speech of the group that won and claim that the whole show lost all it's credibility because they didn't give it to him.

I've seen a lot of people in my life that have their heads up their own asses, but this is a classic.

The 'M' in MTV

2006-11-05T17:36:00.000-07:00

Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't MTV supposed to mean MUSIC television? I know MTV has cut back on playing videos over the years, but now they don't play them at all. Even at 2AM, there's always some crap original programming or teen reality show, no videos.

Look at TRL, a show that is supposed to count down the most requested videos.... they play 20-30 seconds of the video and then it's back to all the kids in the studio yelling "WOOOOO!" for a few minutes until the commercial break. (By the way, for anyone over 20, try watching an episode of TRL and see if you aren't pro-choice by the end of it.)

It's sad because some music videos ("Welcome to the Black Parade") are awesome and I wish MTV would play them from start to finish and without all the banners and ads in the corners. Videos are an art form all their own and it's a shame that now they're cut down to ring-tone size clips and played while some VJ talks over the whole thing.

That's why I watch Fuse now. They seem to be the only music network around right now that actually plays music videos still. MTV and it's bastard childern MTV2, MTV2, and all the others only play clips, but Fuse plays the whole video without tons of crap floating around the screen. I fell in love with Fuse a few weekends ago when they did and all My Chemical Romance block and played their videos and making-of stuff. Now, Fuse has gone from the bottom of my music TV list to the top because they seem to be the only music network that actually plays music.

Just a quick rant.

Some Thoughts on Stephen Hunter

2006-10-26T17:23:00.000-06:00

Trashwire was just updated with a new item by Jason Mogavero about conservative film critic Stephen Hunter. Jason disagrees with Hunter's claim that the masculine hero is dead, and he basically calls Hunter a turd. Check it out by clicking here or go to trashwire.com/hunter.html to read it.

Forum Updates

2006-10-26T00:51:00.000-06:00

We have lots of new topics on our Trashwire Forum that are just waiting for your comments. We have sections for movies, reality TV, South Park, web junk, and now music and podcasts. Make your voice heard over at the Trashwire forum!

http://trashwire.com/forum
Or click here to go to the forum

Hal Sparks takes the Trashwire survey

2006-10-21T23:44:00.000-06:00

Hal Sparks just wrapped up a successful three-night run at the Comedy Works in Denver where he touched on topics like wanting your own theme music, being afraid of a plastic bag on the freeway, and his experience as a stealth paintball assassin. In between his hilarious set, he had time to answer a few questions for Trashwire.

Trashwire: What is your favorite bad movie?
Hal: I disagree with the name "bad". Just because other people don't like it doesn't mean it's not fantastic. I think Hudson Hawk qualifies in that zone. People think it's a bad movie, and it's actually spectacular.

Trashwire: What is your favorite line from a bad movie?
Hal: Probably from RoboCop 2, "Behaaaaaave yourselves!" It's pretty great.

Trashwire: Who is your favorite bad movie star?
Hal: The guy who was in The Phantom and he was in Dead Calm, Billy Zane. He's probably my favorite bad movie star. I like that, once he started losing his hair, he just shaved his whole head bald. He was like, "screw it!"

Trashwire: What is your favorite trashy reality show?
Hal: I don't believe in guilty pleasures, I have no guilt about any pleasure. Just 'cause someone doesn't like my pleasure, doesn't mean I have to feel bad about it. That's a strong, important point with me. That being said, it's hard to choose one because it's "trashy" reality show, which narrows the category. I would go with Flavor of Love or Breaking Bonaduce--or, you know what--I'm with Busey.

Trashwire: Who is the funniest person alive?
Hal: Besides me? That's a tough one. Michael Palin from Monty Python. It's a difficult one because they're all so funny. But Michael Palin, I think, is purely funny. He's good natured and always beyond hilarious. Even if you go to Monty Python's The Holy Grail where he's the Knights who Say Ni, just him going "Now... go!" is fucking hilarious.

Trashwire: What is the first thing you'd do with a billion dollars?
Hal: Well, considering that I do what I love, I'd probably hide the fact that I have a billion dollars. If it was like, "Hey, you got a billion bucks." I'd be like "Oh shit! don't let anybody know I have a billion dollars." I would hide the fact that I had that much money right away. I'd probably get a bank in the Caymans or something, after paying my fair share of taxes, for the record.

Trashwire: If you were stranded on an island with any celebrity, who would you chose?
Hal: That's tough. Do you want to get off the island? Then you might pick somebody like your Jeff Corwins of the world, or your Dirty Jobs dude, or maybe the guys from Mythbusters. If you're gonna stay on the island with one person, I'm thinking Jennifer Aniston/Sophie Marceau. Either one of them would be fine. Actually, maybe Juliette Lewis. Even though I don't think she's a perfect mate for me, it would never get boring. It would always be weird... on the island of lost celebrities.

Trashwire: If you could only hear one song for the rest of your life, what would it be?
Hal: It would probably be "Master of Puppets" or "Summerland" by King's X.

Trashwire: What would you say is your best movie experience?
Hal: Aside from seeing What the *Bleep* Do We Know or The Secret and having that be life-changing and mind-opening, I think seeing Howard the Duck with a bunch of my friends in high school is my favorite. Our choices that night were Howard the Duck or Platoon and I'm like "I'm not gonna waste my Friday night going home feeling miserable. That's a Sunday afternoon movie." So we went and watched Howard the Duck, and it sucked, and Lea Thompson was in her underwear and she's totally fine. We had a great time.

Trashwire: When you were little, what did you always want to be?
Hal: When I was little, I wanted to be in KISS. That just seemed like home or something. I think it shows in who I am. Bruce Lee, Steve Martin, Paul Stanley and Gene Simmons are my male role models, so you can pretty much figure my whole psyche out by looking at those four people.

Trashwire: Now we come to the short answers.
Trashwire: What do you like more, Coke or Pepsi?
Hal: I don't drink soda. Well, I don't drink Coke or Pepsi, I drink, like "Ginger Beer" and really light, healthy kinda stuff. There's a South American tea that they make sparkling and it's like the greatest soda ever.
Trashwire: Chris Rock or Dave Chappelle?
Hal: Dave Chappelle because I like his silliness.
Trashwire: South Park or Family Guy?
Hal: Family Guy
Trashwire: Mac or Windows?
Hal: Mac. Does Windows still exist?
Trashwire: Facebook or MySpace?
Hal: MySpace, but if I was Rep. Foley of Florida, I'd would probably say Facebook.
Trashwire: Movies or TV?
Hal: Movies.

Some Thoughts on Sienna Miller

2006-10-18T15:13:00.000-06:00

Sienna Miller seems to think she is a big-time, talented actress with a miserable life traveling the globe and making millions. Jason disagrees.

Who is Sienna Miller?

She's an actress, I think. I know she's blonde and had seen her name on the covers of highbrow publications like In Touch Weekly and Us, which was all I really needed to know. Then my friend Maura, a Pittsburgh native, told me about an interview that Miller, who's presently shooting a movie called "The Mysteries of Pittsburgh" in the titular city, gave to Rolling Stone. This quote is excerpted from that interview:

"Can you believe this is my life? Will you pity me when you're back in your funky New York apartment and I'm still in Pittsburgh? I need to get more glamorous films and stop with my indie year."

I visited Pittsburgh for the first time last summer and loved it, so after reading Miller's quote I went on the Interweb to find the answer to my slightly modified question: "Who the FUCK is Sienna Miller?!" I turned up the following points:

A) The only movie that Miller has done of any note is the shit remake of Alfie with Jude Law.
B) Miller used to fuck Law on a regular basis, surely launching her into the public sphere. Law wisely dumped her; perhaps she broke down crying while still in bed with Law and said "I could be fucking Orlando Bloom, Johnny Depp, or Clive Owen! Can you believe this is my life?!"
C) Sienna Miller is a bitch. Not only that, she issued an apology for her remarks. As Karl Rove would put it, this makes her a flip-flopping bitch.

QUICK! Somebody call the In Dire Need of a Savior hotline to Bono and tell him that the revenue from his Red iPods must be redirected to the Save Sienna Miller from Mild Boredom Fund! Fuck you, starving disease-riddled African children; you are not worthy of the pity of those with funky* domiciles! Obviously, Sienna Miller's glamour is more important than your well-being; compared to you, Sienna Miller has the WORST LIFE IN THE WORLD! CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT MAKING MOVIES ON LOCATION IS HER LIFE?!?!?!?

So who is Sienna Miller? I'll tell you: she is someone who deserves to DIE.

*What does this even mean? Did James Brown do the plumbing?

View this item on Trashwire.com HERE.

Bowing at the Altar of Captain Kirk

2006-10-10T23:43:00.000-06:00

This is the newest item, available now on Trashwire.com.... or you can just read it here

Bowing at the Altar of Captain Kirk
By Jason Mogavero

“For who is greater, he who sits at the table, or he who serves? Is it not he who sits at the table? Yet I am among you as the One who serves.” –Jesus Christ, the book of Luke

“Don’t grieve, Admiral. It is logical. The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, or the one.” –Mr. Spock, Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan

I used to be a recovering Catholic; now I'm a recovering Trekkie.

Catholicism was something I was born into, like nobility or crack addiction. Every Sunday morning when I was younger, my family and I used to go to church, where I’d quietly nosh on the Cheerios my mom always brought in Ziploc bags and patiently wait for the service to end. But then, every Sunday night, we would go from church to my grandparents’ house for dinner, and at 7 o'clock I'd always run downstairs and turn on the T.V. There I would sit enraptured for the next hour, mesmerized by the adventures of the gallant crew of the starship Enterprise on Star Trek: The Next Generation.

I grew up hooked. Just as any priest worth his salt can perfectly dictate key Scriptural passages from memory, I could (and still can) recite bits of dialogue and technical minutiae from the Star Trek universe. For example, did you know that a Galaxy-class starship carries a crew complement of 1,012 people and has a maximum speed of warp factor 9.2?

Paraphrasing Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, the correct answer is: who gives a shit? Star Trek was not about its technobabble, most of which existed out of plot contrivance anyway. My obsessive behavior towards Trek and all its lore and details was what could generally be referred to as ‘weird,’ but it certainly wasn’t unique. There are Trekkies all over the place, enough that what was a cancelled NBC series has become one of the biggest entertainment juggernauts in modern times. A search for “Star Trek” on amazon.com turns up no less than 15,551 books, to say nothing of dishware, clothing, and a range of other merchandise that would give Elvis’ apparatus a run for its money. At the Las Vegas Hilton, there’s an attraction called Star Trek: The Experience where Klingons serve Romulan ale and visitors can take pictures sitting on the Enterprise’s bridge. One Trekkie just paid $500,000 at an auction for the model of the Enterprise that ILM used for The Next Generation (which gave me a bit of relative comfort about how much money I’ve spent on Trek merchandise over the years, but not that much). There’s even a Trek Wikipedia site called Memory Alpha. Trekkies full-heartedly believe in exploring the final frontier, in boldly going where no man has gone before, and are completely devoted to Trek and watch it ritualistically. There’s a moral code to be found in Trek, too, in the form of the Prime Directive and IDIC, which I’ll discuss later. Trekkies even have their own holy land of sorts: the Star Trek convention, to which Trekkies make pilgrimages as though it were Jerusalem or Mecca.

Hmm- a large, powerful community of loving devotees to a supernatural work. It almost sounds like…a religion.

Now, bear with me here. Religion can be defined a set of beliefs concerning the cause, nature, and purpose of the universe, usually involving devotional and ritual observances, and often containing a moral code governing the conduct of human affairs. Granted what I’ve already established, don’t Trekkies fulfill this definition? There are even savior figures in Trek. Jesus Christ sacrificed himself to save humanity; Spock and Data, probably the two most popular characters in Trek, both died to save their friends. Besides, the elevation of a science-fiction entertainment to the status of holy text with faithful followers isn’t far-fetched; on the 2001 U.K. census, 390,127 respondents listed their religion as “Jedi.” If some equally mystical group to those lightsaber-wielding Knights were to be found in the Trek universe, then the old rivalry between Star Trek and Star Wars fans might’ve taken on the aspects of a jihad.

Most people see Star Trek as a television and movie franchise, but for Trekkies, it’s something much more. It’s something to believe in. Now, the expression of the Trekkie religion can seem pretty goofy. Remember the Whitewater trial? Barbara Adams, one of the alternate jurors, wore a red Starfleet uniform to several court sessions. When CNN asked her why, she replied: "I always wear my uniform to formal occasions." Now, it wasn’t really a uniform; it was a costume worn by actors pretending they’re flying through space hundreds of years in the future. But Adams’ answer as to why she liked Star Trek enough to wear one of its uniforms to a serious legal hearing is much more significant: she said that Trek is an alternative to “mindless television” that promotes inclusion, tolerance, peace and faith in humankind.

Yes! Adams pointed out what Trek is all about; it’s not about warp speed or phasers or “aliens” that all speak English and look like humans wearing dodgy television-budget makeup; it’s about the humanist values that brought mankind into the 23rd century. Trek espouses two central philosophies: Starfleet’s General Order 1, better known as the Prime Directive, and the Vulcan concept of Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations, or IDIC. The Prime Directive states that under no circumstances can a Starfleet officer interfere with the development of any culture. This regulation acknowledges that human judgment is all too fallible and limited when compared to the natural development of the cosmos, and so Starfleet officers are required to allow cultures to develop on their own free of contamination, sacrificing their own lives if necessary. IDIC is a similarly broad-thinking idea, a celebration of the unknowable kaleidoscope of variables in the universe. Respect for other peoples and awe at the universe- what wonderfully human ideals. Because these ideas are central to Star Trek, even the most extreme Trekkies are harmless and much less annoying than certain other religious freaks. I guarantee you that a Trekkie would never make serious claims about a Teletubby’s homosexuality or scream at Matt Lauer about the dangers of psychiatry.

Star Trek’s forward-thinking attitude is inspiring, and it’s touched everyone from people like Barbara Adams to my own father. With the intention of being an astronaut, my dad joined the Air Force; he later launched experimental sounding rockets in White Sands, and now, he works at an aerospace engineering firm where he helps put advanced equipment into space and teaches engineering courses. And back in 1967, when he was 21, he always tuned in to NBC and intently watched Star Trek. It was the same set I’d wind up watching The Next Generation on- my dad beat me to it by 25 years.

In fact, one might be surprised to find out who some famous Trekkies are. Stephen Hawking, probably the smartest man in the world, loves Trek so much that he once played himself in an episode of The Next Generation. Whoopi Goldberg also had a recurring role on that show, but her relationship with Trek is more illustrative of how progressive and inspiring it is. When Goldberg watched the original show in the late sixties, she saw the character of Uhura, a bridge officer on the Enterprise and a black woman, she realized that there were possibilities for African-American actresses other than the secondary roles to which they were usually relegated and so sought a career as an actress herself. The actress who played Uhura, Nichelle Nichols, was considering leaving the show after the first season, but by chance she ran into a Trek fan who asked her to stay on because she was a vital role model for young American black women; after that meeting, Nichols decided to stay on. The fan was Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

At this point, it’s fair to point out that the difference between most major religions and love for Star Trek is that religion usually deals with the cause, nature, and purpose of the universe, especially when considered as the creation of a superhuman agency or agencies. The idea of a creator has taken on many expressions throughout human history; these days the most prevalent ones are those of Jesus, Yahweh, and Allah.

Star Trek has explicitly dealt with the idea of God only once, in Star Trek V: The Final Frontier. Its plot had Spock’s half-brother Sybok embarking on a search for God and taking the Enterprise to the center of the galaxy, an allusion to the Source or Heaven. When the Enterprise arrives there, the crew indeed finds a seemingly all-powerful being, but it’s far from benevolent. The being is a trapped alien power who wants to free itself by stealing the Enterprise, and it nearly kills Kirk and Spock in attempting to do so; Sybok dies fighting the creature.

There’s an important line at the movie’s end. After Sybok’s death, Kirk, Spock and McCoy stand on the Enterprise’s observation deck, looking out onto the stars. “We were speculating. Is God really out there?” McCoy muses. Kirk’s simple reply beautifully encapsulates Star Trek’s view of spirituality: “Maybe he’s not out there, Bones. Maybe he’s right here-” he points to his chest- “in the human heart.” It’s a line that William Shatner, who also directed the film, had to fight to include in the final released because Paramount studio executives feared it would be controversial.

But why? If God created the universe, then wouldn’t God be omnipresent in all things? Can’t the best that mankind has to offer be found within our hearts, within ourselves? Like any other species, it’s our instinctual task to survive and to propagate, and so at our most basic, we’d prefer a sense of certainty, safety, and security. But we are not so basic; we are explorers, adventurers into the unknown. It’s this message, I think, that is essential to Star Trek; people can overcome their failings and petty squabbles, can realize their true potential, can gather together for a higher purpose and seek out that purpose. Our best destiny, as Captain Picard once put it, is “work[ing] to better ourselves and the rest of humanity;” the human adventure is just beginning.

In those hours in my grandparents’ house each week, I found something new and different, a way to visit strange new worlds, and when I believed, I wasn't alone. Trekkies are true believers- believers in humanity. They’re no different from everyone else, least of all spiritual people; Trekkies aren’t simply satisfied with what is, they stand in wonder of what is and of what could be. And in that sense, Ringo Starr’s words from Help! seem all too appropriate: “It’s a different religion from ours- I think.”

You can also see this item on Trashwire.com or on Jason's Blog

Tag

2006-10-10T23:38:00.000-06:00

I was lucky enough to catch this short film at the Toofy Film Festival in Boulder and it was really, really funny. If you have the chance to check it out, definitely do it!

Get this video and more at MySpace.com

What Your Wireless Network Says About You

2006-10-09T13:16:00.000-06:00

In these days of broadband internet, wireless networks are more and more common as people look for ways to connect on-the-go. Nearly every laptop these days had a built in wireless card and most of us probably use wireless networks around our house, the office, or at school. When setting up a network , most people tend to go with a generic name or just leave the default name of their wireless router. As wireless security became more of an issue, people began getting more creative with their network names and making sure that their internet connection remained private. If you’re like me and you live in an apartment building where nearly everyone uses wireless internet, you can find out a lot about your neighbors from the names they give their networks.

I discovered this phenomenon the other day when I had to reset my router and my computer asked me if I wanted to connect to another network. The computer trying to auto-connect me wasn’t the weird part, it was that it offered to connect me to an open network called “Bitchy McBitch.” There was something that was just so funny to me about seeing a little alert window on my screen saying, “None of your preferred networks are available. Would you like to connect to the open network Bitchy McBitch?” I clicked the little no button, but was intrigued by what other networks might be available in my building.

The names ranged from simple, like “Kristen’s net” or “Jason” to more complex, but still straightforward names like “6th Floor Conference Room” and “Apartment Home”. Then I noticed a slew of more creative names starting with “Go Rockies”, “Vote 4 Pedro” and “Pimp Daddy”. Clearly my neighbors, all primarily younger people, were fans of the Colorado Rockies, Napoleon Dynamite and pimping. Still, I wondered, what could top Bitchy McBitch for best wireless name?

As I glanced down the list, I noticed one particularly interesting network. Someone in my building had bought a wireless router, completed the set up wizard, and titled their network “Balls in Pantyhose”. I was instantly curious about the person who owned the “Balls in Pantyhose” network. I’m assuming it was a guy, but I suppose it could have just as easily been a woman. Still, I tried to picture what this person must be like. Was he really into balls in pantyhose? Was it just some inside joke he shared with his buds? Did the phrase have some special meaning for him? So many questions arose from this very unique network name.

It made me start to think about the entire evolution of technology up to this point. Engineers and scientists had been working for decades, creating computer technology to advance society, with hopes of grandeur about curing disease and connecting distant nations. Then there was this guy who named his network “Balls in Pantyhose.”

Ah, the future is now!

The Survey

2006-10-03T23:02:00.000-06:00

A lot of people have been taking the Trashwire survey. Their results are up on the site now. Check them out.

Erin's Answers to the Survey

2006-09-30T00:16:00.000-06:00

What is your favorite bad movie?
I'd have to go with 'Dirty Dancing Havan Nights!' Because it always makes me smile, even though its only redeeming quality is Diego!

What is the best line from a bad movie?
"X, Y, Z, examine your zipper?" - (The Room, 2003

Who is your favorite bad movie star?
I would have to say the kid in 'The Room', because both his character, and his acting sucked!

What is your favorite trashy reality TV show?
Although it seems glamorous I'd say Dr. 90210.

Who is the funniest person alive?
Didn't you know I was?

The first thing I'd do with a billion dollars is...?
Construct a home theater system in my house, with a concession stand as well.

If I was stranded on an island with one celebrity I'd chose...?
Diego Luna at the moment, it could change however though.

If I could only hear one song for the rest of my life, I'd listen to...?
Ginsing (the song about the herb!)

My best movie experience was...?
Seeing 'Serenity' for the first time! That movie is the best, and totally lives up to the television series.

When I was little, I always wanted to be a...?
First I wanted to be a mailperson, then a teacher, then a doctor, then a teacher again.

Which one is better:
Coke or Pepsi?.......... Pepsi
Chris Rock or Dave Chappelle?.......... Neither
South Park or Family Guy?.......... Neither
Mac or Windows?.......... Mac
Facebook or MySpace?.......... Facebook
Movies or TV?.......... Movies

Greg's answers to the Trashwire Survey

2006-09-29T23:37:00.000-06:00

What is your favorite bad movie?
I have to go with "Showgirls". I was leaning towards "Mommie Dearest", but really that movie is too cool to be bad. "Showgirls" has it all: bad acting, bad writing, bad cinematography, bad choreography, bad costumes, bad makeup, bad lighting, bad soundtrack, bad direction, bad screenplay, bad marketing, and (I assume) bad catering.

What is the best line from a bad movie?
"Well, excuse me for still believing in Sunday walks in the park and little babies!" Anna Nicole Smith in Skyscaper

Who is your favorite bad movie star?
Mariah Carey in Glitter. She is just so horribly boring that it can make your teeth go numb. This was a tough call, because Ms. Berkley is energetically horrible in Showgirls, and Anna Nicole is medicatedly horrible in Skyscraper. But Mariah wins because she actually seems to be trying but fails so miserably.

What is your favorite trashy reality TV show?
Although I couldn't watch more than three episodes before I wanted to commit myself to a sanitarium, it has to be "Being Bobby Brown". Watching Whitney Houston allow herself to be filmed as the crack whore she really is left my jaw agape for many an hour.

Who is the funniest person alive?
Kathy Griffin. I saw her live and almost peed my pants.

The first thing I'd do with a billion dollars is...?
Buy up all the available property in some horrid little redneck Christian town and give it free of charge to drag queens, atheists, lesbians, and gays. They could take over the school board, the city council, and all of the social organizations and pass legislation requiring sexual deviance and/or cross-dressing.

If I was stranded on an island with one celebrity I?d choose...?
Fran Lebowitz. I know she's not really a celebrity, and I know no one has heard of her, but she's really smart and witty and that's all that counts.

If I could only hear one song for the rest of my life, I'd listen to...?
"Better The Devil You Know" by Steps. It's my happy song.

My best movie experience was...?
Seeing "The Room" for the first time with Alexis. To call me "stunned" is an understatement.

When I was little, I always wanted to be a...?
Backup Dancer. How lame is that?

Which one is better:
Coke or Pepsi?.......... Vodka.
Chris Rock or Dave Chappelle?.......... Is he that funny black guy?
South Park or Family Guy?.......... South Park. I have never understood Family Guy.
Mac or Windows?.......... Sadly, Windows
Facebook or MySpace?.......... Oh, you youngsters and your new-fangled ideas!.
Movies or TV?.......... A book.

Trashwire.com Survey

2006-09-28T13:37:00.000-06:00

Trashwire.com recently created a survey to profile our friends and the stuff they like. I took it, and you can too. Just copy and past the questions and then put them as a comment HERE (trashwire.com/contact.html)

What is your favorite bad movie?
To me, the best bad movie ever made is The Room. It’s not only horribly directed, but the acting is awful and the stars aren’t, in any way, attractive. It is the worst movie I’ve ever seen... and I love it!

What is the best line from a bad movie?
“Everything goes wrong at once. Nobody helps me, and I’m dying. I got the results of the test back today, I definitely have breast cancer.” - The Room, 2003

Who is your favorite bad movie star?
This is a really tough question, because I’m partial to saying someone from The Room, but I think my favorite bad movie performance is Elizabeth Berkley in Showgirls. I love her in that movie because she’s so unnecessarily intense and violent in her movements and dialogue that I feel like they must have been blind to cast her as some kind of graceful dancer.

What is your favorite trashy reality TV show?
That’s a tough one too because there are so many bad reality shows I love. My favorite reality show of all time is Big Brother, but I’m hesitant to call it a trashy reality show because I love it so much. I think this year, the best trashy reality show would have to be Flavor of Love because when I watch it, I literally can’t believe my eyes.

Who is the funniest person alive?
If this was last year, I’d have said Richard Pryor. I bet you all think I’m gonna say Trey Parker, but I’d actually say Larry David. I’m also really liking Ricky Gervais, Eddie Izzard, Lisa Lampanelli, Chris Rock, and all The Comedians of Comedy.

The first thing I’d do with a billion dollars is...?
Make a movie.

If I was stranded on an island with one celebrity I’d chose...?
Either Trey Parker or someone super hot like Gael Garcia Bernal.

If I could only hear one song for the rest of my life, I’d listen to...?
I’d probably pick Michael Jackson’s “Human Nature” because I’ve loved that song for as long as I can remember. Also because I’m a dork and I really like 1980s Michael Jackson music.

My best movie experience was...?
Either watching Glitter with Greg and hearing him yell “Dice?” for the duration of that horrible scene where she comes to her boyfriend’s apartment and he’s not there... or watching The Room with Jason, Kim, Dominique and Matt last semester in Kino Fist. I felt like I was in an episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000. It was absolutely awesome.

When I was little, I always wanted to be a...?
Star of any kind. I think at that time, I was into being a pop star like Janet Jackson or being on In Living Color.

Which one is better:
Coke or Pepsi?.......... Pepsi
Chris Rock or Dave Chappelle?.......... Tough one, but Chris Rock.
South Park or Family Guy?.......... Duh, South Park!
Mac or Windows?.......... Mac that also runs Windows.
Facebook or MySpace?.......... Facebook
Movies or TV?.......... TV because it’s more immediate.

'Office' Romance

2006-09-22T17:21:00.000-06:00

As a big fan of the original UK version of The Office, I was understandably apprehensive when I learned that the show was coming to America. Ricky Gervais was brilliant both as a star and a writer on the show and I doubted anyone would be able to match his talent. When the first season of the American version of The Office kicked off, I was pleasantly surprised at the way they adapted the characters to make the show fit for American audiences. Sure a few scenes played like a weird impersonation of the original, but others shined in originality. Steve Carell, in particular, was impressive because he was able to accomplish the most difficult task by expertly playing the slacker boss made famous by Gervais himself.

I was so excited for the new season, that is, until I saw a recent trailer for the upcoming premiere episode. Instead of the quirky and humorous plot lines that usually occurred in the series, the commercial flashed slow-motion shots of Pam (Jenna Fischer) and Jim (John Krasinski) during their stolen kiss at the end of last season’s final episode. Why were they focusing on the little office romance when the real comedy was in the larger office society? The funniest parts of the show are the awkward pauses when jokes aren’t funny or the way that plot lines don’t always carry the audience somewhere. That’s the part that makes the show real. Where the first and second seasons didn’t seem like a contrived “set-up, pay-off” sitcom, this new episode abandoned the subtleties that made the show so great in the first place.

The episode began by explaining that Jim and Pam had since parted ways after their kiss and that Jim had been promoted to another branch of the company. Throughout the rest of the episode, we were bombarded with scenes showcasing how different the world in the office was now that the lovebirds were miles apart. Jim had no one to get his jokes and Pam had no one to find the humor in boss Michael’s foot-in-the-mouth comments. The other plot, the funny one, about Michael (Carell) accidentally outing a gay employee, was almost completely overshadowed by the melodramatic romance. Was I watching The Office or Laguna Beach? I’ve never seen a comedy take such a sharp turn away from humor and towards generic romance/drama. The entire episode seemed to dwell on one tiny sub-plot as dozens of other funny ideas slipped by.

This was exactly what I feared about NBC bringing this brilliant show to the USA. American audiences want action, they want romance, intrigue, and simpler jokes. Unfortunately, this makes a brilliant and different show like The Office become just like every other mediocre sitcom on TV. In the UK version, two full seasons passed without a hook up between Tim and Dawn, the UK equivalents of Pam and Jim. We didn’t jump right to their relationship all the time because that’s not authentic. People don’t start working with someone and then quickly decide to call off their wedding because of their feelings for the co-worker. By utilizing this accelerated plot, they rushed to please the lowest common denominator of network TV viewers and failed to keep the show interesting for those of us who don’t mind waiting for a big plot point to occur.

I’m optimistic that The Office will be able to recover from this little stumble and get back on track to give us some fresh new comedy. The very first episode of the series failed to impress me because it seemed like a karaoke version of the original, yet the show quickly picked up and became one of my favorites. I hope that they can pull off a similar turn around this time. They need to remember that what makes the show so great is that everyone can relate to it, not that it’s some drama-packed Hollywood version of the office life. I laughed out loud several times at the awkward tension when Michael’s jokes bombed or when Jim egged on Dwight (Rainn Wilson) in the past. That’s a winning formula and there’s no need to mess with it. Working in an office is a funny enough premise without throwing in random sub-plots and laying the romance on thick

America's Next Top Boring Reality Contestants

2006-09-21T16:58:00.000-06:00

America’s Next Top Model premiered tonight on The CW. As a fan of reality TV, I just had to watch. I normally only watch Top Model when it airs in marathon blocks on VH1, but I’ve become so addicted to all the anorexic catfighting that I had to watch from the very beginning this time.

The show began, as usual, in the most Tyra-centric way with Tyra Banks emerging on a stage in front of a sea of applauding clones. In case that wasn’t enough, the house where the girls live is literally filled with giant pictures of Tyra. Could she be more in love with herself? I doubt it. Through out the show, there were several instances where everyone sat around praying at the shrine of Tyra. For example, when one Indian contestant began crying about the way cultures value certain beauty traits, Tyra pretended she was Oprah and offered the girl some completely cliché “meaningful” advice. It seems that every girl had some sob story and only Saint Tyra could guide them through their struggle. When did America’s Next Top Model become Queen for a Day?

The best part of Tyra’s self-righteous ranting is the blatant contradiction. She rejects one contestant for being a stripper, then assigns the girls a nude modeling task for their first photo shoot. Of course, Tyra’s flunkies defend the choice saying, “There’s a fine line between sleazy and classy.” This show really sends a great message: demonize one girl for taking her clothes off for money and then badger another when she doesn’t want to get naked for the camera. Apparently it’s ok to do anything as long as Tyra orders you to.

Watching the rejects on this show makes me anxious for the new season of American Idol. The rejected models lack any charm or novelty like the booted freaks of Idol. No one stands out and all the models look and act the same. In fact, I’ve never seen such a bland and boring crop of “models”. Normally, when a show begins a new season, they try to top the previous years. On Top Model, we’re watching another season of mediocrity with the same generic reality TV characters that appear in every show. There’s the bitchy girl, the crazy rocker chick, the insecure ugly duckling who’s really a swan… sorry, I almost fell asleep just now thinking about it. This show offers nothing new; it brings nothing to the table. There is nothing fresh, exciting, captivating, or original about it. It’s the same formula, but with even more boring characters.
Instead of watching skinny girls cry about how life is so hard for them, I’d rather watch skinny people eat bugs and try to build a fire. Stick with Survivor for your reality TV guilty pleasure this season.

Crackie Mae and Ray Ray Break Up!

2006-09-14T00:25:00.000-06:00

IMDB reported the break up of Whitney and Bobby today...

"Houston & Bobby Brown Split

Pop star Whitney Houston has filed for divorce from husband Bobby Brown, after 14 years of marriage. Houston filed the paperwork in Orange County, California, on Friday, and the papers were served to Brown on Tuesday. Houston's representative Nancy Seltzer confirms the split to American publication People stating, "She has filed from divorce from Bobby Brown. We're saying she filed for divorce because that is (Whitney's) intent. (Whitney) was in LA on Tuesday night with Clive Davis at the Ella Awards. I have nothing further to add." Houston, 43, and Brown, 39, have one child together - daughter Bobbi Kristina, 13. Divorce proceeding are expected to begin next month."

If these two can't stay together, who can?!

Worms on a Floor

2006-09-12T00:01:00.000-06:00

"Enough is enough, I've had it with these motherf*ckin' worms on this motherf*ckin' floor!"

Tonight, as my mom and I sat in her house watching all the 9/11 documentaries and specials on TV, we were getting tired and I decided to head on home. Everything seemed normal and I got my shoes and jacket on as I headed out towards the front room. Things were totally normal... but that was about to change.

As we were heading out the door, we noticed a big six inch worm in the middle of the floor in the foyer. Then, as we looked around, there was another worm about two feet from that one, and another one a little closer to the door. One was up against the wall near a window and yet another looked like it was trying to make it's way up the stairs. What the hell was going on? Why were there all these worms on the floor in the house? Where did they come from and how long had they been there?! It was horrible.

We felt bad because they looked like they were drying out and getting all crusty. We decided to load them into a giant paper cup cup and dump them outside in the grass. Using a Bed Bath and Beyond ad and a wooden letter opener, I figured I'd pick them up and drop them into the cup. I assumed they'd be rather lifeless considering their deteriorating state, but instead, they were very much alive. When I tried to flip them on to the Bed Bath and Beyond ad with the letter opener, they wiggled like I had dropped crystal meth on them. It was so infinitely creepy!

It really reminded me of this old movie I had seen a long time ago called Squirm. It's an old campy movie from 1976 where an "avalanche of worms" destroy a town. Was our house going to be consumed by an avalanche of bloodthirsty killer worms?!

It's only been about an hour since we thwarted the worm attack, so they could return for a second strike. If I don't write something more here in the next few days, you'll know I was consumed alive by killer worms!

Pueblo, Colorado: Unlike Anything Else

2006-09-10T13:12:00.000-06:00

Yesterday, my mom, grandma and I all piled in the car and drove down to Pueblo to visit our relatives there. My whole family on my mom’s side is from Pueblo and my mom grew up there. I’ve been many times and enjoyed it a lot as a kid. All my relatives there were colorful and loving and I had a lot of fun back then playing with my two cousins who are close in age to me.

This trip marked our first time back there in about 4 years. The last time we were there was right before I went off to college and I could remember thinking that Pueblo was awesome back then. This time, I wanted to go as a sponge and try to really take it all in.

After about a two hour drive, we arrived in Pueblo. My mom and Nana had been talking in the car the whole way down about this bakery they used to go to in the 1960s and 1970s. They raved that it had the best cake they’d ever had, an Orange Chiffon cake. It was like a sponge cake only made with oranges and lemons and frosted with orangey vanilla icing. Naturally, I insisted we make a stop at the bakery so I could try this legendary treat.

When we arrived at the bakery, the tiny store was already pretty crowded and seemed to be selling out of a lot of items despite the fact that it was only about 12:15 in the afternoon. My mom and Nana were so determined to get the very last Orange Chiffon that they neglected to take a number. We later found out from my mom’s cousin Carole that this offense could have been punishable by gunshot if it had occurred during Christmas or Thanksgiving when the store actually has an armed guard to make sure things stay in order. That’s just how good the pastries are apparently, so good that you have to be watched at gunpoint because people go crazy at the thought of those cakes. The woman at the store, having not noticed our number indiscretion, happily boxed up the last Orange Chiffon and one Pink Chiffon as well. That was when I saw the area behind the counter with donuts. Finding delicious donuts in a bakery is not that unusual, but sitting right next to them was a whole shelf of funnel cakes. I haven’t seen funnel cakes outside of fairs and carnivals, but apparently in Pueblo, you can get one any time you want. We grabbed our cakes and protected them like a set of Loomis Fargo drivers as we went back to the car.

Then it was time to begin the Pat Sue Reality Tour, as I like to call it. Every time we come to Pueblo, my mom drives me past all the notable places she remembers from growing up there. We go past her elementary school, her junior high, and her high school. But that’s not all! We also go past the house she grew up in, the house her grandmother lived in, our relatives old houses, the house “with the family that made the best tortillas”, the park where she “kissed this one Mexican guy”, the demolition derby where someone “threw a cactus in [her] hair”, the place where the cute guy she had a crush on in junior high lived, the place where she saw her first and only dead kid, and so many other essential destinations. The Pat Sue Reality Tour is probably the greatest part of the trip for me.

During the tour, I also get to hear in-depth accounts of the various events that occurred at these hot spots. She recalls games of “Ditch ‘em”, the time her sister poured fire ants into her pants when she was little, the play kitchen she used to keep a huge knife in just in case someone tried to break into their house, the time one of the neighborhood men tried to show her naked pictures of his wife, and so many more. A good 90% of these things are either illegal or unthinkable today. Just imagine a small child in 2006 hanging out with their friends around the town for hours with no cell phone, no way to contact mommy and daddy, and no one knowing exactly where they are. It’s a recipe for abduction. Yet, back then, the Pueblo kids didn’t fear anything because the world wasn’t a scary place for them. Kids younger than 6 enjoyed almost total freedom in their town because everyone knew everyone and life was just safe.

When I looked at Pueblo and compared the way it was back then to the way it is now, that’s what made me realize what a treasure it is. Pueblo is almost the same exact way today as it was in 1973. Many of the stores are the same and owned by the same families, people work in their jobs for 40 years, the houses haven’t been torn down and replaced by cookie-cutter McMansions, even some of the cars driving around look like they’ve had the same owner for 30 years. While the whole rest of the world changes, and Foleys or Filene’s become Macy’s, Pueblo hangs on to it’s identity and it stays the same. It’s a tiny unique oasis in a sea of cloned suburbs. What I really like most about Pueblo is that there’s no place that is just like it. It’s totally it’s own thing. It’s such a refreshing change from chain after chain of the same crap that you see in most towns.

So, if any of you ever get a chance to visit Pueblo, definitely go for it! And… if you want to know the best places to go or take the Pat Sue Reality Tour yourself, just email me and I’ll give you the works!

American History

2006-08-31T23:13:00.000-06:00

American History is one of Trey Parker's earliest animated shorts. He made it at CU in Boulder. It's really hard to find on VHS... but thanks to YouTube, we can all enjoy it now!

The Best South Park Episodes

2006-08-30T19:39:00.000-06:00

The 8th season of South Park came out on DVD yesterday and I thought I'd list my favorite episodes from the last 8 seasons.

Season 1:

107 - PINK EYE
This episode remains one of my favorites because it was the first episode I saw. A long time ago, the Boulder Theater had an entire night where they played some guy's tape of South Park episodes. When I got there, they were in the middle of another episode, and Pink Eye was the first one I saw from the beginning. I loved the "Thriller" reference with Chef and I was instantly captivated by Cartman. This episode was my first glimpse at the genius of Matt and Trey and I was hooked!

Season 2:

201 - TERRANCE AND PHILIP IN NOT WITHOUT MY ANUS
While most people hated this episode and wanted to kick Matt and Trey's asses when it aired, you have to admit, it was pretty brilliant. I love the concept of a cliffhanger that never pays off and I love the idea of an all Terrance and Philip episode even more. This was also great for it's early glimpse at Sadaam, who would play a huge role in the movie. On top of that, I love Ugly Bob and Scott.

203 - CHICKENLOVER
This episode simply has to make the list because who doesn't love Cartman with "authoritah"? The parody of COPS was spot on and, even though the Officer Barbrady plot line wasn't thrilling, Cartman was enough to carry the show.

Season 3:

307 - CAT ORGY
In my favorite installment of the meteor shower trilogy, Cartman and Shelley waged war. The Wild Wild West song Cartman sings is perfect because it captures everything that was stupid about that awful movie, including the "big metal spider". If that wasn't awesome enough, this episode also introduced us to Skyler, who would later be in Timmy's band, The Lords of the Underworld.

310 - CHINPOKOMON
Who could possibly capture the Pokemon craze better than Matt and Trey? The combination of South Park style animation and anime was brilliant and I loved the different Chinpokomon characters. My favorite was Shoe.

315 - MR. HANKEY'S CHRISTMAS CLASSICS
Season three was a juggernaut, one of the best ever, but it was also marked by the death of Mary Kay Bergman, the original voice of all the female characters. This episode aired right after her death and had a sweet sentimentality during the last song that you don't often see in South Park. The music in the episode was funny, but also really good. In particular, the dreidel song, featuring lines like "Jews play stupid games." and "Courtney Cox, I love you. You're so hot on that show." was expertly arranged and performed. I have the CD of "Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics" and I love it.

Season 4:

406 - CARTMAN JOINS NAMBLA
In Cartman's quest to be cooler and more mature than all his friends, he stumbled upon a group that sought to unite young boys with older men... little did he know, it was NAMBLA. I love this episode because it perfectly captures what Cartman is all about, being better than everyone else, even if it means hanging out with child molesters.

409 - SOMETHING YOU CAN DO WITH YOUR FINGER
Season 4 was all about Cartman trying to get $10 million. Creating a boy band called Fingerbang, was one of his earliest ideas. This episode was awesome because of the entire backstory with Randy being in a boy band and being exploited. I love the sequence when he loses his job, his house, his car, and his chicks, "theee ya!"

410 - DO THE HANDICAPPED GO TO HELL?
411 - PROBABLY
Because this was a two part episode, I'm listing both together. Cartman's evangelical preaching was hilarious. When we finally found out that it was all part of a plot to get $10 million, it was even better. It might as well have been a documentary about those televangelists in the south. The best part of the series was the relationship drama going on just outside the lake of fire. Satan was in a relationship with Chris, a genuinely good guy, when Sadaam came back into his life. Satan was shocked to see Sadaam again in hell, but where was he gonna go, Detroit? The Satan/Sadaam story line was like a little epilogue for the movie and it was great to see where Matt and Trey were going to take those characters.

413 - TRAPPER KEEPER
It's so hard to pick my favorites from season 4. I wanted to list 412 "Fourth Grade" because of the Star Wars references, but I opted for this episode because it was one of the first political allegories they ever did. The kindergarten election scandal was perfect for showing just how stupid the 2000 election really was. Most of all though, I loved that Cartman had a super awesome Trapper Keeper and that he kept trying to make Kyle jealous. The best scene: Cartman warns Kyle that his Trapper Keeper is coded to his own fingers, so if anyone tries to steal it, big metal spikes come out that pierce the hands. Kyle doesn't believe him so Cartman says, "well then why don't you hold it? If it doesn't have metal spikes, then hold it."

416 - THE WACKY MOLESTATION ADVENTURE
This episode is great because it starts out simple, about the boys being mad at their parents, and ends with a weird post-apocalyptic town that is run by feuding child gangs. I have to believe that, if you really did let kids run the world, we'd descend into total chaos and start human sacrifices. I love the sequence when Stan is explaining the story of "the before time" to the outsiders and the scenes in the prison rehabilitation center when the parents are told to "just look at this young boy, don't molest him."

417 - A VERY CRAPPY CHRISTMAS
Last one from season 4, I swear! This episode is awesome because of it's self-reflexivity. I love "The Spirit of Christmas", the short that started it all for Trey and Matt, and it was great that some small part of that actually aired on the show. Also great in this episode was Mr. Hankey's drunken wife, Autumn. "You boys wanna bet me I won't take of my clothes?"

Season 5:

501 - SCOTT TENORMAN MUST DIE
At the time, this was probably the most twisted episode of South Park ever. It really took Cartman to a new level. When Scott Tenorman outwits Cartman into giving him $16.12, Cartman seeks revenge by masterminding an elaborate plan to kill Scott's parents and feed their ground up bodies to him at a Chile Con Carnival. The last scene when Scott sobs at the table and Cartman licks up his tears saying "let me taste your tears, Scott" is so infinitely wrong on so many levels. I love the references to Hanibal, except this time it's training an animal to bite off someone's weiner. To this day, whenever someone outwits me and I want to feed them their own parents, I think about Scot Tenorman.

502 - IT HITS THE FAN
"Tonight, on Cop Drama, they're gonna say... shit." So begins the most profanity-laced episode ever. There were 162 "shits" in all in this hilarious episode. It wasn't just the cursing that was fun about this show, I also loved hearing "Cop Drama" as everyone sat around watching it. There's a certain voice that Trey and Matt do, I call it the Cop Drama voice, that perfectly captures all that is stupid about over-dramatic acting. They also do it in Team America quite a bit and I couldn't think it was funnier.

506 - CARTMANLAND
In another episode that perfectly captured all that is Cartman, Cartman buys an amusement park solely to exclude other people from being able to go. To his horror, he needs to sell a few tickets to keep the park running and, before long, Cartmanland just like any Six Flags with kids running around everywhere and all the lines, lines, lines, lines! I love the Dr. Seus reference and I love that Cartman's happiness gives Kyle a hemorrhoid and makes him lose his will to live.

508 - TOWELIE
If Matt and Trey set out to create the dumbest character ever, they're damn well gonna do it! Towelie was just so weird and random that I was thoroughly entertained. The best part of this episode was that the boys had no interest in the intergalactic conspiracy unfolding around them and were only concerned about playing with their Game Sphere.

514 - BUTTERS' VERY OWN EPISODE
I guess season 5 was the era of disturbing moments because this episode even topped "Scott Tenorman" for the title of most messed up thing they've ever done. When the happy-go-lucky Butters reveals to his mom that his father has been frequenting gay porn theaters and bathhouses, she goes crazy and decides to drown Butters in the car before killing herself. Instead, she and her husband reconcile and claim that Butters was kidnapped by "some Puerto Rican guy." It is beyond twisted and utterly hilarious. I especially love the scene at the end where they flash on the faces of OJ Simpson, Gary Condit, and John and Patsy Ramsey as Butters dad yells "You liar! You murdering murderer!"

Season 6:

603 - ASSPEN
Both plot lines in this episode, the parents being trapped and forced into buying a timeshare and the boys dealing with the teen movie ski competition, are priceless. I love the way that Tad, the hot shot skier who challenges Stan, shows up out of nowhere or the way that they have the final race on The K13, the most dangerous run in America. My friends and I went for weeks calling each other "Stan Darsh" after this. Everything about this episode is like watching a teen movie of the 80s... except for the Total Recall part at the end.

607 - THE SIMPSONS ALREADY DID IT
Have you ever had a really great idea, only to find out that someone else had that same idea years before you? That's exactly what happens to Butters, here as Prof. Chaos, as he plots to bring destruction and doom to the town. Every scheme he and Gen. Disarray plot has already been executed on The Simpsons. This show proves that you can improve on perfection as they take The Simpsons' story line about growing a tiny society and give it the South Park touch adding five gallons of semen and one dead teacher.

609 - FREE HAT
Forget the plot about the townspeople rallying to free a convicted baby killer, the meat of this episode was in the Star Wars/Raiders of the Lost Ark story line with George Lucas and Steven Spielberg. It's also amazing because it garnered a very polite f-you letter from Spielberg himself.

613 - THE RETURN OF THE LORD OF THE RINGS TO THE TWO TOWERS
I don't even need to go into detail about how awesome this episode was. Not only did they do an amazing parody of LOTR, there was also a creepy sex scene with Stan's parents and, of course, the most vile and dirty porno ever made, Back Door Sluts 9. I loved the shot for shot recreations of some of the best LOTR scenes, including the elf council and the scene when the hobbits hide under the tree.

Season 7:

703 - TOILET PAPER
This episode came in a long line of crime-solving episodes which I call The Cop Drama Collection. First was "Chickenlover" then came this one and next was "Lil' Crime Stoppers" with a few crime related episodes in the middle somewhere. This was a great episode even if you only look at the scene where Cartman is killing Kyle with a wiffle bat on the pond as Godfather-like music plays in the background. It reminds me of the 1940s classic noir film Double Indemnity, except about TP-ing a house instead of murder.

704 - CANCELLED
There are two scenes that lead me to add this episode to the list. The first is the scene with Jeff Goldblum trying to figure out the alien code on a train of thought that takes us from butt sex to the Chupacabra before finally arriving at the realization that the Earth reality show has been cancelled. The second awesome scene is when the two galactic network execs get a hooker and some cocaine and end up giving each other alien blowjobs. Self-reflexive episodes are my favorite and this managed to take a whole new look at the first episode.

705 - FAT BUTT AND PANCAKE HEAD
Aside from all the great jokes about Jennifer Lopez, this episode also features Cartman jacking off Ben Affleck. How Comedy Central didn't make them cut that is beyond me. Still, my favorite scene is the ending where Ms. Jennifer Lopez (Cartman's hand) reveals herself to be Mitch Conner, an ex-con who's "just tired of running" before jumping off a bridge to his death. It's great because it's like this whole other B plot that just shows up out of nowhere.

706 - LIL' CRIME STOPPERS
Another amazing addition to the Cop Drama Collection, this episode featured the boys starting their own detective service. They got so good that they were made Jr. Detectives by the police. They bust a meth lab and expose a crime ring that involves two crooked cops... all this while clashing with the cliche police captain who reprimands them for their "shoot first ask questions later" methods. It's a perfect parody of so many cop movies and TV shows.

708 - SOUTH PARK IS GAY
Aside from making fun of the metrosexual trend and ripping on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, this episode is legendary because it was the first time we saw crab people. Trey and Matt simply could not think of a third act for the show and opted to go with it all just being a plot by crab people to take over the earth. Now, every time they can't think of an ending, they reference crab people. It has become synonymous with being completely out of ideas.

711 - CASA BONITA
While people who don't know about Casa Bonita might not find this episode that funny, anyone who grew up around Denver will love it. I can remember when I was in school, every year we were promised a Spanish class trip to Casa Bonita and every year something would fall through at the last minute and we couldn't go. I finally got to go there a few months ago and it was just as cool as they said. I think I'd probably do exactly what Cartman did and risk being thrown in jail just to run through Casa Bonita for five minutes.

714 - RAISINS
This episode introduced us to some of my favorite new characters, the goth kids. What could be better than a bunch of suburban kids sitting around writing poems about pain? I love the way they called out goth kids for claiming they're not complete stereotypes while preaching that "the only way to be a nonconformist is to drink coffee and smoke cigarettes and listen to the same kind of music we do."

Season 8:

801 - GOOD TIMES WITH WEAPONS
In another anime-inspired episode, the boys purchase weapons from the far east and decide they are ninjas. They get carried away and Kenny ends up chucking a throwing star into Butters' eye. The ninja sequences are so great that I nearly forgot about the Janet Jackson nipple slip reference.

805 - YOU GOT F'ED IN THE A (OR YOU GUT F*CKED IN THE ASS)
Everyone can admit that You Got Served is stupid, so making fun of it here was great. While I liked Butters' dark past about the tap dance massacre, my favorite part was the "You do a line and I'll do a line" song that the duck danced to.

807 - THE JEFFERSONS
Everyone who knows me knows that I'm a Michael Jackson fan, but that didn't stop me from laughing by ass of at this episode. What I loved most was that Matt and Trey came up with some original jokes about MJ. Yeah, they made fun of his plastic surgery, but rather than just scream that he was a child molester, they attacked Jacko's parenting, saying that you can't keep trying to recreate your childhood once you have a child yourself.

809 - SOMETHING WALL-MART THIS WAY COMES
Instead of making a big political issue out of globalization, Trey and Matt made a Matrix-style haunted house out of Wal-Mart and showed it as an entity all its own. My favorite part is Randy pressing his body against the window as he stares at the store down the road, unable to control his desire of it's great bargains.

There are a lot of great episodes that I didn't put on the list, but only because the list was getting way, way too long. These are just some of the ones I've seen a zillion times or the ones I quote all the time. What are your favorite episodes?

Casa Bonita

2006-08-09T18:26:00.000-06:00

The other day, I had the pleasure of going to Casa Bonita in Denver for the first time ever. This was a monumental event in my life because, since I was a small child, I was promised school trips to Casa Bonita time after time only to have my hopes dashed at the last minute when we didn’t have enough parent chaperones or there wasn’t any funding left. My excitement was heightened still by the South Park episode about the restaurant. Now that I was 22, I was finally going to go.

We drove in heightened anticipation down Colfax through the sketchy neighborhood where Casa Bonita is located. It’s lodged in between cheap stores in the corner of a strip mall, but it’s majestic pink tower raises high above the shops like a homing beacon for those seeking the craziest experience Denver has to offer.

When we got inside, we passed through the long line to the area where you order your food--and I use the term “food” loosely. It really doesn’t matter what we ordered, we were there for the sopapillas and the experience. We got our trays of food and sat down at a table up near the stage where mariachis were playing. They finished and the show began. All the actors looked like they were probably drama geeks at local high schools who were doing this as their summer job. We were rather close to the stage, so we could really see the old raggedy costumes and wigs. The audio system had to be as ancient as the building because you couldn’t understand a word the kids were saying--not that it mattered, we just wanted to see someone do a cliff dive off the waterfall. Finally, we got to watch the dude in the taped-up gorilla costume throw the girl in the ratty blonde wig into the pool. Awesome! After that, they did a scene with Black Bart, who is also the gorilla and the cliff diver. He and the kid playing the sherif argued on the cliff and--you guessed it--he dove in. Even better!

We picked at our food and then gobbled down two plates of sopapillas before heading off to the other attractions. My favorite was Black Bart’s Cave because it was both claustrophobic and dangerous. We walked in the narrow opening (note to parents: don’t let your fat kids play in Black Bart’s Cave because they’ll definitely get stuck) and through the pitch black area. The floor was totally uneven and I was certain I’d fall flat on my face and knock my teeth out, thus ruining the otherwise stellar evening. I turned on my phone and used it for light as a precautionary measure. At one point, we passed a big hole in the wall where an arm was dangling down grabbing at people as they passed by. Naturally, we assumed it was a Casa Bonita employee, but as we turned the corner, we saw it was some teenage dude who was copping a feel off people as they passed. Black Barts cave was now claustrophobic, dangerous and creepy! This was truly the greatest attraction ever!

With Black Bart’s Cave behind us, we headed to the gift shop where we spent like Candy Spelling. After buying only the most corny of merchandise, we were ready to bid farewell to this magical place and return to our real lives. As we got in the car to head home, we knew that we had just visited a paradise of sorts and with a tear in our eyes and a cheesy strip mall in our rearview mirror, we headed home.

Trashwire Updates!

2006-08-07T21:14:00.000-06:00

Trashwire.com has just been updated!

We have just added a review of Flavor of Love as well as a bunch of blog updates. Greg has a new blog and Alexis is busy at work on her Big Brother 7 All-Stars blog... but that's not all... we also added a link to a new blog we recently discovered called Hot Chicks with Douchebags.

So head on over to Trashwire, sugar tits, and check out the new stuff!

TRASHWIRE.COM

"What do you think you're looking at sugar tits?"

2006-08-01T21:05:00.000-06:00

Updates 6-21-06

2006-06-21T21:46:00.000-06:00

Trashwire.com has just been updated with a review of the greatest bad movie ever made, Tommy Wiseau's The Room.

LaTaviya's Blog has also received an update about Big Brother 7 All-Stars, make fun if you will!

Gallery Opening Terror, Part 2

2006-03-20T18:33:00.000-07:00

So, I am enjoying Smoked Gouda. And tiny crackers. They are being round. Miss Albania is calling them "water crackers", but I must be assuming it is her very poor command of English that is making her call them that, since it is being obvious that they are not being made of water.

Miss Samoa is having a most animated conversation with Miss Slovakia. Elizabeth Nkwame is looking most unsettled. She is mumbling to herself, and drinking many wine spritzers.

Suddenly, all lights are being turned off, except lights on ill-constructed stage at far end of room. I am thinking to myself, "Oh, good, perhaps this is being performance art." I am much admiring performance art. I am once seeing performance art in which woman placed chicken on her head and danced like a duck. Oh, so ironic! A commentary on our complicated times, to be sure!

Now, slowly, on ill-constructed stage at far end of room, we are seeing mysterious figure. She is wearing many veils, and a mask. She has many bracelets on arms, and a very mysterious bracelet on ankle. This mysterious bracelet on ankle has tiny flashing light, and is making a frequent beep. So odd, that bracelet on ankle.

Mysterious figure is walking across ill-constructed stage at far end of room. With flick of cruel finger she is starting tiny boom box.

I am having a memory. I am thinking this is being familiar. But I cannot remember.

There is music coming from tiny boom box. What type of music? Gypsy music!

And now, mysterious figure with bracelet on ankle begins to dance. But wait! I am recognizing dance! Oh no, it cannot be so! Oh no!

I am falling to floor, covering eyes with hands, for suddenly I am knowing the dance! We are not being at gallery opening at all! We are watching a dance!

And what dance? Oh, what dance?

I will tell you!

It is the Dance of Gypsy Vengeance!

Oh yes, the mysterious figure is beginning to twirl in the special vengeful manner of the Gypsies.

Many in the room are now weeping! Many have fallen to the floor! Ana-Elena Devescu is tearing at her hair and shrieking! Miss Albania is being unable to move, so frightened is she.

And the dance is going on! It is going on!

Suddenly, the mysterious dancer begins to dance towards me. I do not know what to be doing. Who is she? Who is this madwoman who would call down upon us the most horrible of Gypsy Dances. Who would dare to unleash this dark forces?

She is removing her mask.

Pavla Nimkova. Yes! Pavla Nimkova is inviting us all here to dance for us the Dance of Gypsy Vengeance! She is wanting Vengeance! Vengeance for Pavla!

She is dancing vengeful dance towards me. I am lying on floor, terrified for life, when suddenly I am hearing "OK, I have had just about enough of this shit"

I am lifting my head just in time to see Miss Samoa pushing Pavla Nimkova down.

"I do not have time for all of this Gypsy crap. I have a job. I have a kid to raise. I didn't get shit for being Miss Samoa, and I am not going to let some Stevie Nicks wannabe push me around. I am putting you out Pavla. Good Night!"

And with that, Miss Samoa is grabbing the bracelet of ankle of Pavla Nimkova. She is dragging Pavla Nimkova to doorway, and with heave of mighty Samoan hand, she is tossing Pavla Nimkova onto lawn.

Suddenly, there are being many sirens and alarms and much squealing of tires. Pavla Nimkova is making dash for house, but policeman with taser is getting her first. Pavla Nimkova is being down!

I am running so very quicky down to Ernesto's #2. I am ordering three rolled tacos with guacamole. They are not being as lovely as the ones Mr. Velazquez is making, but I am not caring.

Quickly, I am running back to 1515 W. Liberty.

There, Pavla Nimkova is twitching in grass. I am being worried about her. Perhaps twitching face in grass is not being comfortable?

I am walking up to Pavla Nimkova, where she is twitching.

I am kneeling down beside her. She is looking at me with pleading look, begging for help.

Tenderly, I am lifting her twitching head. Lovingly, I am laying three rolled tacos down. Gently, I am placing the face of Pavla Nimkova in tacos.

Pavla Nimkova is continuing to twitch in most horrible fashion. But I am at least feeling confident I am making her most comfortable.

Pavla Nimkova is looking up at me, she is drooling, her eyes are not focusing. And the right side of her face is being covered in guacamole.

I am bending down, and I am whispering in the ear that is not being filled with guacamole. "Oh Pavla", I am saying,

"Who has face in tacos now?"

Gallery Opening Terror, Part 1

2006-03-20T17:54:00.000-07:00

I am being most shaken and upset. Tonight is being Gallery Opening. I am being invited as Important Citizen of MetroArea. I am calling cab from home. Ismail is perhaps still at the store. It has been many weeks, but I am being sure that he will return from errand soon. I am calling cab from home, did I say that already? So cab is arriving, and I am giving address of 1515 W. Liberty. Mr. Cab Driver is not believing there is Gallery Opening, but I am forcefully telling him otherwisely. He is driving down to 1515 W. Liberty. On corner of Liberty and Magnolia I am seeing something amazing! I am seeing Ernesto's Tacos #2! How lucky is MetroArea being to have two Ernestos? Ernestos #1 and Ernesto's #2. Such luckiness.

I am leaving cab. I am being uncertain about amount of tip. Fare is $5.60. I am thinking in Bulgaria 40 cents would make very nice tip.

My sister Plashka once bought an eight-piece dinnerware set at Varna-Mart for 40 cents. But I am a realistic and practical gal, and I am realizing that Mr. Cab Driver may not be able to buy something nice for himself for 40 cents. So I am leaving $6.25, beacause I am feeling extravagant. He is not being as grateful as I am hoping.

So, I am entering 1515 W. Liberty. It is not looking like Gallery, more like walk-up flat with homeless people on curb. But I know that trendy hip artists like such things, so I am not being much dismayed.

But inside, oh, inside, I am finding much that is making me happy! I am finding Ana-Elena Devescu, and Miss Albania, and Elizabeth Nkwame, and Miss Slovakia, who is pounding me on the back so forcefully that I am afraid of damage. Oh, and even more happy. Miss Samoa! Oh, Miss Samoa who as her talent did famous Warrior Women of Samoa Dance of Fire and Many Feather-Shakings. So unique! So different!

And so we were all being mingling in much chatter and happiness, waiting for Gallery Opening to start. I was eating a new cheese, it is being called "Smoked Gouda". Much better than sheep cheese. Although in all fairness I must say that once Baba Anyeska is smoking a sheep cheese. One day, she is leaving sheep cheese next to her pipe, which is setting her shawl on fire, and soon sheep cheese is covered in flames and burning shawl.

My cousin, Todor, thought perhaps that Bulgarian Smoked-Shawl Sheep Cheese might be finding a foreign market. Sadly, as always, Todor was not being correct. To this day he is being bitter, and still is trying to smoke sheep cheese. This week is tablecloth. I think he is not learning.